Your fuckin' ordinary.

Ruzanna VS Ruzanna ♥ Ruzanna

2010-03-23T08:20:00.001+08:00

Mistakes I know I'm making keeps me up at night. I've been a horrible person to everyone, including myself. Myself. Truth. Two things I've been struggling with. To live a lie, I'd have to have a life and know the truth. It feels like I have neither. I keep losing it this year. I find myself but I lose myself to the world. I find the truth but the truth makes everything else seem like a lie. Wonder how it got this complicated.

I don't have any regrets, and I don't intend to have one. Is a life without regret something I should regret? My conscience isn't clear. How do I make this right? If the only way for me to make this right is to make a choice to be an even bigger asshole, I can't do it. I can't risk hurting someone because my conscience isn't clear. So do I deal with it or do I make a change?

It's really funny, the moment I asked that last question, the answer seems pretty clear. I love writing and all the epiphanies it gives me.

Thank you for showing me how it feels to be on the other side. Glad to be the asshole, honestly. You don't deserve to be hurt at all. But I guess we really don't always get what we deserve, and if I hurt you, I'd have to trust that you'd be strong enough to heal. But if you're not, I hope you'd allow me to be your healer. But I'd deal with it if it makes you feel better not to.

And life goes on.

The truth is just painful like that.

And I.. am permanently under construction. I can't tell you who I am and who I want to be, but who I was, is who you might see.

"Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch." - Tyler Hawkins

[EDIT]

Another thing..

Part of the Women and Girls Outreach Program objectives include providing opportunistic avenues of income for women who are HIV+ themselves and/or are the main caregiver for their HIV+ family members. Action for AIDS has teamed up with the Catholic AIDS Response Effort (C.A.R.E) to offer a platform where these women can produce items for sales at AfA outreach programs. The aim is to provide them with a supplementary income or in most of the cases, a form of steady income. One of the products which these women are keen to produce are jewellery made from beads. As the women have no prior experience in producing jewelleries for sale, a volunteer teacher who is proficient in making these jewelleries is needed to help launch this initiative.

If you have any experience in beading and making jewelleries and would like to volunteer your valuable time to tutor these women, please kindly write to norani.othman@afa.org.sg to indicate your interest. You will be helping these women acquire the necessary skills and be involved in the initial selection of the products for sale.

We look forward to your kind support.

FW: Road Safety. (To think that cars are safer than motorbikes.)

2010-03-09T00:50:00.000+08:00

Thanks Irwan Shah for the email and for making me scared shitless to get on the road now.

Keep passing it on... maybe the message will get through!!!

Do you see the motorcycle?

Now do you see it?

The Honda crotch rocket rider was traveling at approximately
85 mph. The VW driver was talking on a mobile phone when she
pulled out from a side street, apparently not seeing the
motorcycle. The rider's reaction time was not sufficient
enough to avoid this accident. The car had two passengers
and the bike rider was found INSIDE the car with them.
The Volkswagen actually flipped over from the force of impact
and landed 20 feet from where the collision took place.
All three involved (two in the car and the bike rider) were
killed instantly. This graphic demonstration was placed at
the Motorcycle Fair by the Police and Road Safety
Department.
Pass this on to car drivers or soon to be new drivers, or
new motorcycle owners
AND ESPECIALLY EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO HAS A MOBILE PHONE!!!!!
A picture is worth a thousand words.

Wake up people, stop talking on MOBILE PHONES and
TEXTING while trying to drive. Put your MOBILE PHONE
in the back seat !!!

Yeah, loving is letting go. But this time, the love's not for you. It's for me.

2010-03-05T00:45:00.001+08:00

It's funny how I sometimes quit doing good things and almost never quit bad habits. Bad habits are the only things worth quitting.. like you. It comes as no surprise that you'd hurt me again. I'm no fucking saint, but I vowed to myself and to you that I'll never look back if you repeat the mistakes you've repeated way too many times before. And I will follow through.

I don't want to shortchange myself. I gave you my life for the past few years and you threw the crap of your existence like confetti over me. You know very well that I'm not the strongest person in the world right now. You know I can't trust me with myself. But you did it anyway. I can be that nice girl that I've been all this while and try to understand why you lied and ask myself if I had anything to do with it. But I've done my fair share of that. I won't make up excuses for you and pay for your mistakes anymore. Fuck that, I shouldn't even care. You apparently don't. I haven't heard from you since the last time you said you love me. You lied. That's it.

It's up to you if you want to explain yourself or not. I'm not gonna wait around for you. Right now, as far as I'm concerned, you're gone.

Cause I aced in kindergarten, not in uni.

2010-02-24T03:53:00.003+08:00

Rebecca & Sam's Visit
Cheers and beers @ Chips.

Rebecca & Sam's Visit

(Facebook Readers: Click on picture above to go to album.)

This was where I was over the long weekend.

2010-02-16T07:10:00.000+08:00

Parents' 26th
Dinner at Samy's Curry @ Dempsey.

Papa & Mama's 26th Anniversary

(Facebook Readers: Click on picture above to go to album.)

Valensucks 2010
Dinner at Red Dot Brewhouse @ Dempsey.
Karaoke at Grandlink.

Valensucks 2010

(Facebook Readers: Click on picture above to go to album.)

Everyone was celebrating SOMETHING - Chinese New Year, Valentine's Day, long weekend. So it only felt good that we celebrated something too - Valensucks. Well yeah, special occasions are jinxed for us. But it proved to be something good when we embraced it this year.

Just a question: Don't you feel stupid walking around in a crowded, noisy mall when almost all the shops are closed? I felt really stupid at Vivocity on Sunday. The cinema had bad timings that day. Brotzeit was packed. Wahlao.

Anyway, it was our first time at Red Dot. It's a fantastic place; great ambience, succulent food, excellent service and kickass music by a kickass dude.

We had Fritto Misto di Mare as a side. Loved the soft shell crab! I only had one though. Ghalid, how many did you take?!

I had a Salmon Steak. I always thought I could never get full on fish. But this one here proved me wrong. I was really full. The BBQ sauce complemented the salmon well. I ordered an Italian white with it.

Alright, by the time I could get a picture of Ghalid's Ribeye Steak, I think he'd already ate half of it. He said the meat was good. It just didn't come with sauce or anything, so if you order this, you might wanna ask for whatever sauces they have. He had this with the Green Monster Beer or something that the waiter recommended. It was good beer.. a little more sourish than most beers.

I've always loved looking at the lit stairs up to the place.

KARAOKE IS ALWAYS CRAZY FUN WITH YOU GHAL BABY!

You valensucked the hell out of me. I hope I valensucked yours real good too. Haha.. :)

Sometimes I put on makeup to run away from myself.

2010-02-13T05:30:00.001+08:00

Sad and angry. Pretty much what I've been feeling lately hence the pictures. I'm not a good actress. But pictures serve as memories. So I'm hoping these feelings will be. For a while, at least.

He: What does love mean to you?
Me: Love is the strength to accept someone for who he/she is and to share your heart.

But you ate my heart. I ate your shit and grew back another. My body's like your personal garden.

Just remember, gardens need to be taken care of as well.

Love sucks. I hate the thought of Valentine's Day tomorrow. Surrounded by good, selfish love. I don't want to celebrate it. I just want to be part of the crazy love movement. They make it seem so special, and when you don't want us to be part of it, it makes me feel non-special and alone. Special occasions are a little amplified, but I'd love to have them. I don't mind succumbing to them because they do more good than harm. They mean something to me because YOU mean something to me. How do I run away from a world that keeps telling me what things are supposed to be? Where do I find the strength to continue to think differently? You know what I mean? Think about it. That's why I'm upset.

Sometimes I just want to join in.

I'm tired of feeling alone.

<13.

Januarists.

2010-02-04T02:50:00.000+08:00

Kakak's 25th
Lunch @ Tiffany's.
Audrey Hepburn Theme Party @ Fairmont Hotel.

Kakak's 25th

(Facebook Readers: Click on picture above to go to album.)

Jarell's 21st
Dinner @ Chalk, Mount Sophia.

Jarell's 21st

(Facebook Readers: Click on picture above to go to album.)

A little bit disorientated lately but other than that, I feel great! Went for my first run of the year a coupla hours ago and it feels so amazing. Gonna resume my yoga and exercise routine tomorrow. I also have a female version of Mr Mackey as my new lecturer. She says "mmkay" all the time and laughs at everything she says. She's really nice and cute though. I stopped smoking throughout the entire time I was sick and I thought it was gonna be easier to quit, but I was so wrong. Umpteenth attempt. Gonna keep trying.

The only thing that's bothering me is school. I've been thinking of quitting school and the feeling just gets stronger each day. Initially, I pursued this thing partly for my parents and the rest for myself. Now, it's just for them. I don't want this anymore. I just don't agree with most of the things they're teaching us. I'm sitting in class and reading all these notes and I just think it's all bullshit. I just think I can do something better with my time. I know I made a decision to carry on with this thing but maybe I just got my calling a little bit too late. I told myself that I would devote these years to my studies for my parents for all the hard-work and sacrifices they made to get me this far. I really feel lucky and appreciate this opportunity I've been presented with. But it gets so difficult to fight the feeling of wanting to.. LIVE. You know what I mean? I know it's selfish. Ugh being able to work mostly through passion makes me such a neurotic person. There's only about a year left to go. So I guess I'm gonna keep on trying. Tell me your thoughts if you have any ya.

Anyway, things have been pretty simple for me recently. Just chilling out with really close friends. 'Cause too much fun's gonna screw up my brain even more at this time. But yeah, I really like it.

I've got thousands of pictures of Europe so it's gonna take quite a while to sort them out. They'll be up as soon as I'm done.

Impact of my unromance with Venice.

2010-01-19T14:10:00.003+08:00

I’m at the pool now. It’s a beautiful day. Probably just a little hotter than yesterday. Nonetheless, I’m still looking forward to the day when I can go out and soak up all the sun that I’ve been missing out on.

I actually wanted to write a recount on my near-death experience in Venice on New Year, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Such a depressing thought. Why ruin such a perfectly good day, right?

So, apparently, I have Acute Stress Reaction, as diagnosed by the last two doctors that examined me. So yeah, as much as it was difficult for me to swallow that part of the pain was perceived pain and there wasn’t going to be anything to instantly cure it all, I just had to settle with that. Was asked to go through psychotherapy, so I guess I’ll just face the trauma then. So, for now, anti-depressants and yoga for physical health, school on hold for mental health and light-hearted shows on TV, chilling at the pool, stuff like that for emotional health. I really don’t want this to relapse. Crazy experience. Even as I sit here, I feel it coming back and I just want to go back up to my house, in my room where it’s the safest place to be. But I’m not going to. What’s life without a fight, ay? Oh, I realized, I’m really not afraid of death. Probably scared of the way I’m going to die and its pain. But not death. Honestly, part of me actually looked forward to it. Weird.

All this talk of dying – what the hell happened? Maybe we’ll explore it some other time ya. But, one thing’s for sure I see things differently now. Something or someone was trying to tell me something. Maybe I’ve been living life too far on the edge. Maybe I should treasure my life a little more. Maybe I need to slow down. Maybes. Funny, this is yet another crazy ass experience that I don’t regret. My sister asked me this question some time ago – If you could take back anything in your life, what would it be? “Nothing”, I replied. “Actually, no, I’d take back every single time I hurt our family.” So yeah, aside from that, I really love my life and I don’t have any regrets. I’m a really happy person. Oddly, I don’t look the part. I have to stop thinking too much. I love to think but it drives me crazy sometimes. Well, that hunger-for-life part of my soul definitely hasn’t changed and I can’t wait for my body to recover! Can’t wait to tell you guys all about Europe and show you pictures! So many things to do! So many presents to give away!

Okay, so I’m sorry to those who’ve been looking for me and/or trying to hang out. Sorry, if my non-response hurt you. Really didn’t mean to. Will make up for it as soon as my body’s full-geared.

Thank you everyone for your concern and support. They helped so much in the healing process. My family was there with me every step of the way, worrying, waking up at odd hours because I couldn’t breathe, bringing me back and forth the hospital, settling my school stuff among other things. Ghalid was a sweetheart through it all, visiting me almost every day, cooking for me, falling sick from worrying about me among other things as well. So a bigger thanks goes out to my dearest family and Ghalid. :)

Smile always all! See you soon!

So whatever this is.. it has declared war with me.

2010-01-14T03:00:00.000+08:00

In Europe, in a lavatory of a church, she stood in front of the mirror, donned in an electric blue dress. I saw familiarity in her reflection. I sensed something different about her though - younger, evil. They didn't sync. Then, she turned her head to me with glaring eyes as her image helplessly looked on. I tried to reach for the door, but I was almost frozen, like time had stopped and I was caught in its moment. What a moment. I finally saw the light.

And it was at that exact moment that I found my mind awake, escaped. Not my body. I couldn't move for while. And then came the breath that saved me. I can still remember every detail about that nightmare. It was my mother in the mirror.

The doctors are telling me different things every time I visit them. I just want to know what's wrong with me. It's so hard to have to try to stay alive with every breath I take. I worry about the coming exams because even though my mind tells me to give it my all, my body tells me that it can't be pushed right now. I feel so alone even though everyone I need is around me. I try to keep the fire of my soul burn bright, but many times through this I felt like it could've been easily washed out. I'm so hungry. I'm just so tired of feeling this way. So tired.

Anyway, for my blood test, I had the worst injection in my life yesterday. It tops my completely unpleasant experience with the whole wisdom tooth extraction. The doctor extracted "special blood" from both sides of the groin area, where the arteries are. I was shivering so much through it all. For the first time in my life, I screamed and hurled profanities because of a needle. They're still a little sore. She also took blood from my wrist which was a lot less painful.

The year started pretty rough on me. But I have the rest of the year to win over. So I won't let this win me. I just won't. It's my body, it's my fight.

Walk with me through this fight.

She said, one day, I'll laugh about it. And I can't wait.

2010-01-10T15:20:00.000+08:00

I don't feel well. I constantly feel breathless and weak. I thought it was just the cold. Being home made it a little better for my mind and soul. I'm calmer here. But my body feels like it's going to shut down. And when I sleep, I get this feeling that I won't wake up. I feel like crying all the time. I tell myself that everything is going to be alright. I tell myself to fight whatever this is. Eventually, it makes me feel like my body and soul do not fit. I still can't breathe right and my whole world spins.. like I'm losing my mind and about to black out. I feel like I'm losing myself and it's hard for me to remember details before today. I dream of everyone who's close to me or used to be every time I sleep. My body temperature rises at odd times and I feel like fainting. I'm losing appetite because eating makes me more breathless. I don't know what's happening and if it's because of what happened on New Year in Venice. I never felt closer to death than I did that day. I have this dire need to hold on to someone right now. I'm scared. I'm just trying very hard to not let my fear overcome my strength. It'll get better.

What's happening?

Decemberists.

2009-12-22T19:30:00.000+08:00

Xmas Lights 2009

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Genting Highlands 2009

(Facebook Readers: Click on picture above to go to album.)

Papa & Mama's Birthdays 2009

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Light & Darkness.

2009-12-09T00:00:00.002+08:00

Today was such a bad day.

School. I'm just so sad that I have such an unsympathetic, arrogant person for a lecturer. I know it was my fault that I couldn't meet the deadline today. I know that no matter what, it was my responsibility to finish the paper. AND I can understand if he couldn't extend the deadline even for a few more hours. I just didn't appreciate the sarcasms, for example, "I've been around here for over 13 years. Getting an MC here is as easy as getting candy.". Well, I'm definitely not a doctor nor am I older, but I've been here for 19.

Ex-workplace, Timbre @ Substation. I went there today to collect my paycheck, grab my shit and return the name tag. It was bittersweet. I miss working there. It's so difficult to find a job that I love and actually look forward to going to every day. But even if he wouldn't personally tell me what the real reason for dismissing me is, it doesn't change the way I feel about the rest and the environment. It's still an awesome place to be and honestly, this is the first time that I've such heightened emotional attachment to a job. Something in me about it still feels unresolved. Maybe I'll talk to him, maybe I won't. Life is unfair. I know I tried my best. As I walked away, I tried to completely let go and I tried doing it with my chin up and dignity intact. That, and moving on, I guess, are all that matters.

Thyroid problems. That's what the doctor suspected I have when I went to the polyclinic yesterday. He wanted me to go for a blood test but I didn't have enough money, so I'm probably going for one soon. I don't know much about thyroid problems, so it'll be wonderful if you know anything about it and share it with me. I think it's time and better to find out why I'm falling sick all the time. It doesn't seem like such a big deal though. Not now at least. Definitely not as big as what comes after this.

My maternal granny, Wai, has been in the hospital for a while. Apparently she has liver cancer. She is about 83 years old so they can't do a lot of tests on her because her body wouldn't be able to withstand them. They decided not to tell her because telling her wouldn't change a thing but worry her. I guess it's best too. My aunt passed away from cancer a few years ago and that was a really terrible point of time. Members of my maternal grandpa's bloodline all passed away from cancer except for him. So maybe there's hope. But being in this position makes it hard to keep that. It makes me think a lot about life and death. But it's weird, I don't even know what I think about it anymore. I just know that I'm not ready to lose Wai - the woman who raised my siblings and I with my parents, whose hand we literally bit as she fed us, who got so angry and caned me when I joked about not wanting to go to school, who tied my hair the way I liked it, perfectly. Is it even possible to be ready to lose the one we love? There are just so many things to think about and everything around me is telling me to be appreciated a little more. I know I should shine some light on this.. just not now.

But here's a song that I hold close to my heart.. a song that has a different meaning every time I listen to it. Like now. And maybe it might for you as well.

Hands by Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all okay
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these

I won't be made useless
And be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes

We are God's hands

We are God's hands

My "very happening" life during school break.

2009-11-29T22:13:00.003+08:00

Vlog #4

I am better and the world is beautiful when you hold my hand.

2009-11-25T06:30:00.001+08:00

More of
red than white
dark than milk;
a sustenance of this heart.

This heart;
devoted to all
This life;
lived for the birth of yours.

Even if in part.

What good is life if I'm ONLY living mine?

Take, live and give;
take what you must,
live what you get,
give what you have.

I am not a saint.

I wasn't born to do anything. I was born to become. And this is what I've been given.

I merely seek more importance in making you feel important than finding such in myself.

And I'd like to think I believe in myself and am strong enough to do that.

THIS is what I want to do with my life.

THIS might and could be the answer to all your questions about me,
especially if it's anything to do with anything wrong with me,
as well as all that's right.

So before I head off to Malaysia tomorrow, I'd like to leave you with some thoughts.

TWO Foundation needs your help!

We made some people a little happier during Hari Raya this year. Now, we are hoping to make some others happy during Christmas and New Year. Therefore, we are giving away food supplies to approximately 30 low-income households for the upcoming festive season. Monetary donations are accepted, but the most immediate form of donation we need is in the form of canned foods, biscuits, rice, oil, etc. It is up to you - the main idea is to allow you to use your creativity. All forms of donations are warmly welcomed and greatly appreciated.

So, if you wish to make a donation, please email me at ruzannakamal@theworldasone.org with your Name, Tel No., Email and item(s) you'd like to donate.

Don't be shy. Help them keep their faith. We look forward to your joining us in this experience! :)

http://theworldasone.org

19.

2009-11-20T07:35:00.001+08:00

So I'm another year older. I feel like shaving my head. But not such a good idea. It won't keep me warm through my Euro trip in the freezing cold of December, would it? I'll be in London on Christmas and Venice on New Year's. I'm not sure where else but that's about all I know for now. I'm also going up to Genting next week for a short while, which is apparently for my birthday. I'm so psyched about going away. It's really just what I need and I'm so thankful for it.

My birthday was blissful, just like every birthday I ever had. My family really puts in a lot of effort in it and it gets more touching every year. It was a little emotional for me this year because I've been fighting with my father for the past couple of months and he put aside his pride and let go of our differences just to give me a wonderful, happy birthday. I really appreciate everything that they did for me. I got a French Connection all-black watch and an Anna Sui perfume from my siblings, some Crabtree & Evelyn skin care product and a Hypnosis dress from my parents, as well as some money. They're absolutely awesome presents but what topped it was what was written on the handmade card that they gave me and the thought put into my birthday that made it so beautiful.

Birthdays and all "special occasions" are just not a thing for Ghalid and I though, I guess. But I'm glad I got to share my birthday again this year with him. He barely had any money but still bought me a bun and a candle with whatever cents he had and I thought it was just so sweet and cute.

My work mates also celebrated my birthday which I thought was really cool. I was working that day and after work, they had me drink a Flaming Lamborghini. It was the shit - it didn't taste like alcohol at all and I felt really good and happy after. It's just really comforting to know that I have some really nice friends at work, considering I just started.

The birthday wishes I got through text and web made my day even more amazing. It was really nice to hear from everyone. I'm very thankful to all my friends who took the effort to wish me. It means a lot.

I may not be much of a birthday person but I'm really, really grateful to those who make it a big deal for me and went out of the way to make me feel special on that day.

(Facebook Readers: Click on picture above to go to album.)

With that said, I'm so excited for rock climbing tomorrow with Jarell. It's gonna be great but it's also gonna be in JURONG. I also love my job at Timbre. The TWO Foundation's new Speech & Drama intake is gonna be out very soon. My sister and I put up a temporary website, while the website on our own domain is being worked on, so you can check it out at http://theworldasone.org. The event that I did was alright but I just couldn't stand for some of the things. I've also decided to go ahead with FISAF except that I'm taking up the yoga instructor certification course instead of the personal trainer's. That's about all for quick updates. I'll see you guys soon ya. Have a great weekend.

Life of an almost lifeless life.

2009-11-13T04:28:00.000+08:00

So I finally got a job. Now, I have 3 jobs. Great. Well that's just one thing off my life list. If you want to know where I'm working at and as what, you can read all about it here.

I also finished doing the CPR thing and you can read about THAT here.

It's been really crazy for me and apparently, for the people around me as well. Everybody's just so busy. I've been wanting to talk things out with my parents but we hardly ever see each other now. Ghalid's working, even on his off days. All my friends are either looking for jobs or are also working. I don't think I've spent quality time with anyone recently. Can't do anything about it now, but I'm hoping that we can all make some time for each other soon.

I really wanted to let it all out here today but I just got back from work and I'm just so damn tired. I also have a briefing tomorrow morning for an event next week. I guess this will have to do. See you guys in a while.

Drifting.

2009-11-10T02:42:00.000+08:00

I guess it's not the way you always planned it. Looks like you're heading for a crash landing. That's just the way it looks from where I'm standing.. I bet you'll be fine.

Feels like I've lost all strength. I don't want to move. It doesn't seem worth it. Feeling close to nothing. Mind almost absent. Something died. Falling in between surrendering and fighting. Maybe the world is too big for me. But the remains of my sanity tells me to get the fuck up. So every day.

Never drift away.

I can't name this.. feeling.

2009-10-28T03:56:00.005+08:00

3.46AM, 28th October 2009, Wednesday. Is it really the end? I can't believe it.

Definitely, maybe; not one of my favorite movies.

2009-10-26T07:05:00.001+08:00

We're not on the same page anymore. Perhaps not even on the same book. Priorities change. Yours, in this case. You've always been at the top of mine. They say it's just a process. I know we won't know the outcome. But I'm here and I love you. I'm here to risk it all and stick by you. Yet, I need. I need you to give and take. I can't always give. This is all I am (for now), and this is all (I think) I can give. So now, should I stay or should I go? You tell me. Do you want me? Or not? Do you love me? Or not? I'd rather you say you don't want me and you don't love me than leave me to suffer in your indecision. Your love for me is like plucking petals from different flowers every day. I think true love should be a consistence in an inconsistent world. I don't need anything else from you right now but for you to make a choice. Please. Anything is better than here.

Thursday. Friday. You said you'd be ready to talk by then. I'll be waiting.

Neurotic love.

2009-10-21T05:00:00.000+08:00

We've lost all respect and trust for each other. We've destroyed the foundation to a simple bond. Have we tried everything to rebuild it? How do you know when it's enough? They say that you'll know when you know. Then maybe this is not the end for us yet.

So much patience needed. Our love is so great that we can't control it. There's only so much we can do to make this better. So how do we make this work when we're both so overwhelmed by it? If there was one thing I'd desperately like to fix, it would be us.

We're both trying. That's why we're still here. Letting love lead the way always brings us nowhere but here. It makes you stop believing in it somehow. Love is never enough.

Sometimes, when I look at you, I see the world before me, and I think to myself, "You're the one thing I did right." Other times, I feel like I failed you.

I don't want to fail us. I don't want to do things halfway. I want us to see through this love thing. Just don't look for the end because it doesn't have one.

I love you. And I know you love me too. Find it in your heart and you'll know.. that it's not the end.

Let me share with you a little bit of my life for the past few weeks.

2009-10-14T06:10:00.000+08:00

I haven't written in a while and actually I still don't have much of a reason to write. I've been quite busy and constantly falling sick lately. Nonetheless, I kinda need to force myself to do this to keep me from being catapulted into the looney bin.

So, can anyone guess what's new with my blog? Haha.. It's my life list from 43 Things. At first, when I used it under my 'zylosdeeb' username, I thought it was quite messy because I guess I didn't use its functions properly. Now, I love it! I think it's a wonderful way to keep track of the things you're doing or want to do and motivate yourself to do them. You can write entries on each of your goal so you can somewhat monitor your progress, and that's great because it's more organized than writing about it here. You guys should create life lists for yourselves too. I think it's really different from those 'wish lists'. This life list can be used for bigger things, like something NOT associated with your hair or anything. You know what I mean. So yeah, go get one and maybe we can all share and help each other achieve our goals in life ya.

Aside from that, I went back to BDS a couple of weeks ago with Jihadi. Well, it's quite surprising, even for me, that I went back because the life I had then in that school was hell. I guess it was just a spontaneous thing for Jihadi and I. I actually would've done it no matter what because the school, teachers, whatever were a part of my life and it'd just be nice to drop in for a bit. Can't say I miss the torturous times though. I'm glad I'm like so far away from it now, but again, I've accepted it as a part of my life once. And it was a good thing that I went with Jihadi, because it was just really funny to see the faces of those teachers who gave us a hard time back then upon seeing us. Haha.. They were really nice though and it was all good.

Back To BDS 2009

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Guess who came back as a relief teacher? MDM LIEW! It's been so long (what, 8 years since she left?) that she couldn't recognize me at first. It was SO good to see her because she always backed me up when it came to friends and even family (aka my dear father). She's better now in terms of health if you want to know.

For me, this year's raya with 4XM06 tops all the rayas we've ever had because 1) we had a mini bus 2) Izyana and Aliaa went and 3) I managed to go to almost all the houses (unlike previous years, but I'm sorry to Hidayah and Khairun.. really couldn't open my eyes already). It was great, but I don't have many pictures to show you because someone just had to give up a camera (I'm sure it got quite tiring to pose for so many cameras). I managed to take a picture with almost everyone though, so I'm happy. A big thank you to Su, Hidayah and whoever I'm missing out on for organizing such a delightful gathering.

Raya 2009 with 4XM06

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The next one's just one of Prince's jamming sessions. Jarell was drunk and not at all useful to the band so they decided to just get funny. Oh ya, too bad I don't have a picture of Shafiq's rented van that kept stalling throughout the night after that.

Prince's Jamming 051009

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I also met up with some close friends from school to have some drinks and catch up.

Random Nights with Musliha & Celine

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This is Musliha. She's from Maldives. I love her. She makes me look tall.

This is Celine. She's from China, but she speaks English the most fluent compared to any person from China I've ever met. She's also a very cool chick. Ghalid and I brought her to Simpang Bedok and she loved it too.

Anyway, I bought Ghalid the Transformers' watch that he's been wanting every time we step into 7-11 and I just LOVED his reaction when I surprised him with it. Actually I love his reaction every time he gets a new 'toy' like a cute big ball of a baby that I just want to throw around. Just so you know big baby, I want one too! But I'll get it myself.. hmph!

Well, good day everyone.

F1 Rocks (Friday, 25th September 2009)

2009-09-29T06:35:00.000+08:00

So fucking amazing. I swear I wanted to kill myself and be reincarnated as Tom Dumont's guitar. I was falling in love with him during No Doubt's set. He's just so cute, mysterious and not as radical as the rest of the band members (which is a really strange reason for me to ache for him), and that almost pushed me to jump over the barricade, get on stage and get all crazy fan on him. But then, thankfully, images of the hugeass negro bouncer carrying me over his shoulder out of the damn place flashed before me and saved me from such tragic social suicide. Anyway, midway through, he threw his pick and it landed right in front of the barricade. I was at the barricade by the way.. almost hanging on it because I'm too fucking short. No one could reach it of course, so one of the crew picked it up and GAVE IT TO THE CAUCASIAN GIRL NEXT TO ME. FUCK YOU CREW MEMBER! I swear, for a long time after that, I was thinking of ways of how I can steal it from her. Of course, the first thing that came to mind was to beat the shit out of her. But I had that negro bouncer flashback. I ended up deciding that it was safer to just fuck that shit and enjoy the rest of No Doubt's kickass music.

The band was so awesome. The experience was so surreal. I couldn't believe I was seeing the band that I grew up listening to perform live. It made me so happy to see the people behind the music that made such a great impact on my life. I'm quite sure I cried, but it could've just been the sweats. I'm sure I wasn't the only crazy fan though. A bunch of psychotic girls were grinding me throughout the entire show and that really frustrated me. A few of them tried to take my place at the barricade but they seriously picked on the wrong girl because I elbowed them a million times and shouted at them to fuck off. Sorry, don't blame me for your being so psychotic. Oh, but here's a big thank you to the caucasian guys who gave up their space to me.

Well, ZZ Top was great too. Didn't really catch Simple Minds because Ghalid and I spent the entire time queueing up for drinks but they sounded good. We didn't catch N*E*R*D.. whatever.

Overall, fucking hot, fucking crowded, fucking amazing experience.

F1 Rocks

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For most part of my September.

2009-09-23T00:05:00.000+08:00

"Just because I said I'll call you when I reach home doesn't mean we can't message each other right..? Muackz!" - Ghalid

That just made my day. I guess the both of us can be happy again somehow. Had a real fucked day. I'm down with fever, cold and sore throat. It's funny how fucked up I feel every time my relatives go back to KL after raya even though I hate the whole noisy, extravagant celebration thing. It's like my feelings were cheated. It's good to see them but their stay seems so short because we spend more time entertaining visitors who don't matter much and would be too tired to enjoy each other's company after that. I hate raya more and more every year. So fucking exhausted and lonely. Seriously, wish we could all just have a simple dinner with close friends and family, that's it.

Nonetheless, this year's raya was the same as any other, except that it was the first raya for Ghalid and I (like finally, we couldn't care less about previous years' raya!), and both our parents met. Very special occasion. Ghalid said that he's never been so sure about spending his entire life with me until our parents met. I'm not sure if I should take that as a good or bad thing actually. I'm sure he means well and was just really happy about the outcome of the meeting, like we got their approval to be together. At the same time, it would probably be even nicer to know that he's inexplicably certain about me regardless of anyone's approval. But yeah, I'm not complaining.. he's been really sweet to me since then. :)

Raya 2009

Brought Ghalid to Tiffany's and Actor's Bar for his 22nd. He looked so smashing with that somethin' different wear. Had a surprise midnight party at his place with pizzas and cake. Glad he was really happy. Part deux of celebration on Thursday and Friday.

Ghalid's 22nd

Anyway, the flea market that my siblings and I did a couple of weeks back was awesome. Business is so not my thing though. I hate the idea of accepting money. If I wasn't doing this for a cause, I'd probably be giving away my stuff for free just like the other girl. I ended up selling all my stuff at nameyourprice and donateanyamountforacupcakeorbrownie. I was so worried that we didn't collect enough money to buy food for the people at Jalan Pipit, but it didn't turn out as bad as I expected it. We managed to get a few months' supply of food for a couple of households and distributed it to them the day before raya, so I'm considering our flea market a success. We'll probably be doing another round of flea market soon and I'm hoping to see more familiar faces. Until then, here's a big thank you to those who helped and supported us in our cause. ;)

A Go Go Flea

Anyway, I'm sorry if I haven't been replying your messages or have yet to wish you happy birthday (Aisyah, I didn't forget you!). I promise I will get back to you guys the moment I have time away from assignments, exams and this feeling of dying. Take care guys.

If you're not ready to die, you're not ready to live.

The gift of faith comes in ultimatums.

2009-09-16T00:15:00.001+08:00

If you are trying to prove to me your existence by doing this to me during this time of the year every year, it's not working. In fact, all it does is convince me that you don't. I don't believe in you. Why are you testing my non-existent belief? How does trying to take away everything good and right make me believe in you? If you are so fucking merciful, why do you hate everyone who doesn't? I asked to help me believe in you. You can give and take. I think now would be a really good time to give. Show me a damn miracle. Or maybe they're right.. angels deserve to die.. because they're fucking useless. You are an extremist. You are a terrorist.

All I ask is to help me believe in you.

I need to find the courage to walk away.

A GO GO FLEA.

2009-09-09T20:20:00.009+08:00

A Go Go's Event Link On Facebook

A Go Go on S.O.F.T.

Random Things $10 & Below (clothes for both guys and girls, bags, DVDs/VCDs/CDs, books, posters, etc). Support for The World As One (TWO) foundation. My brother's awesome pastries.

Go watch Uncle Bob's gig also.

Come see lah.

[EDIT]

Here are some of the books for sale: -
- Red Rabbit by Tom Clancy
- A Star Called Henry by Roddy Doyle
- Power of A Woman by Barbara Taylor Bradford
- My Name Is Red by Orhan Pamuk
- American Sucker by David Denby
- The Politics of Rich And Poor by Kevin Phillips
- Where Wizards Stay Up Late: The Origins of Internet by Katie Hafner & Matthew Lyon

(Revised)
I also urge you to come on down to check out the "TWO Foundation" that runs to help boost financial and infra-structural development and give us your support by buying from us. A large part of the profit raised from our sales will be donated to the foundation to help in its efforts of purchasing food ingredients for the upcoming festive season for some lower-income households in Jalan Pipit (Kallang).

I realized it's not clear to you guys that I'm going to be there. So here, I am going to be there to do this thing, ya.

Breasts & beats.

2009-09-01T04:20:00.013+08:00

"Looking great with my newfound cleavage certainly makes me feel more sexy, feminine and confident! I am truly elated with the newfound joy and freedom of looking good on and off screen at all times. Now I feel like a REAL woman." - Ms Priscilla Chan

I saw this Slim Fit ad on yesterday's papers and thought to myself, how sad. A REAL WOMAN? What does that even mean? She certainly seems confident of knowing its definition. She also has every right to feel good about herself, but to imply that having big breasts equals to a real woman is outrageous and harmful. What am I, a monkey? Now she's exactly the reason why she felt that she had to do something about her breasts in the first place. I don't mean any harm. In fact, I'm just trying to soften the negative impact of those words that may have on women who are seeing this kind of ads. I just feel really helpless about the media's ignorance towards their displays of how a woman should look like and the way they make more and more women feel less of a woman than they already are. But hey, if it makes money, whatever, right?

Anyway, caught Meza Virs at Baybeats last Saturday. They were awesome. It was the best Baybeats experience I've ever had. Even though we missed out on FBE and Love Me Butch, I really hope to see more of those kind of bands at Baybeats in the years to come, because it definitely made it more exciting. It was really great that Baybeats opened up to a new genre.

Baybeats 2009

Life, are you meant only for the brave?

2009-08-28T07:35:00.000+08:00

We don't always know what we want and what's best for us. I've not met a single person who does, but if you do know of one, I'd like to meet that person and ask him if that makes his world better or worse than ours. But then again, we all see the world differently. We're all shit scared of the unknown. Yet, I wonder why I put no limitations unto myself. Maybe that's why I always feel like I'm not good enough, like sometimes the world is too big for me, and I can't justify my faith. Most people dream of flying, but this is what I know about flying; I've been flying for what seems a long time, and sometimes, all I want is to touch the ground, and when I do, I dream of flying again. All my life, I did what I wanted, but I still feel lost. Control. What control?

My mother won't stop taking all that sugar and change her lifestyle. Ghalid keeps letting me go and pulling me in at the same time. I'm not trying hard enough to quit smoking. They're all habits, dirty habits. We know it's not good for us, but we forget. They say we never forget the choices we make, but we often don't realize those choices until it's too late. Nobody's really at fault, because living simply (without much thought) helps us to get by a little easier. They also say that living for the moment is a good thing, but perhaps we all live in the moment too much? I don't know, I've not found the answer either ways.

I know one thing, though - it all gets easier when you're not alone, when you have someone who risks having you hate him just so he could force you back up on your feet, when you have someone who doesn't judge you for any of the steps you take in your life and stands by you no matter what, and when you have someone who believes in you. I could never live alone. I need my family, Ghalid, and my friends. Without them, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I know it's gonna be hell. Just the thought of it leaves me breathless.

I haven't gotten much figured out in life, but I think it's okay to be scared and it's okay to be selfish, as long as we're helping one another. We're all living life on trial and error, and sometimes we just need a bit of luck. Like I said before, we just have to trust that we're doing the right thing. After all, the truth is what you make of it.

It's not often we know what we want. So, if you want something, go get it. If you love someone, tell that person. If you have dreams, realize them. As for me, maybe I'll replace all the sugars in my house with Equals, hold Ghalid in my arms, and see where that 1800-438-200 quitline takes me.

I guess we just have to keep on walking even when we're scared.

Second wisdom tooth extraction.

2009-08-27T04:25:00.003+08:00

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

Before wash:

After wash:

In the dustbin:

I just got my second wisdom tooth on my lower left jaw extracted. It hurts like a motherfuckin' bitch. I don't think I need to explain the procedures involving the ridiculously long needles and the other shiny instruments this time. Let me tell you, having the experience of getting your wisdom tooth extracted does not necessarily prepare you for the next one. If anything, it made it worse for me knowing the excruciating pain that would come; I was shivering and had to hold myself down to the chair throughout the entire time she was digging into my gums. Somehow it felt as if I wasn't given enough local anesthetic because it hurt so bad. When my tooth was finally extracted, I put my hand over my mouth and walked out of the room in utter shock. I started WAILING and bawling my eyes out when I saw my mother. Everyone stared at me like I was some kind of weak cunt. It was at that moment that I realized I was truly traumatized of the dentist. I couldn't stop picturing gruesome construction works in my mouth since then.

I can't imagine what giving birth is like. They say that the wonderful, indescribable feeling of seeing your baby for the first time would instantly make you forget about the pain. I'm not sure if that holds true for all mothers, but I'll document my experience of pregnancy as detailed as I can, if I ever get pregnant, which is very unlikely to happen anytime soon considering my threshold of pain and the fact that I actually need a guy for that.

"My mother was an idiot. She married for love and ended up crying her whole life." - quote from Coco Before Chanel

Nothing gold can stay.

2009-08-25T04:01:00.003+08:00

Andrew & Joe?

2009-08-15T07:15:00.002+08:00

Watched The Proposal right after. Great coincidence.

"You desert God, you desert me."

"The 40 years of my life that you did not live gave me the wisdom that I own to know more about life than you. Trust me."

"You probably know 20% of life."

"You have to learn how to make informed decisions. Do you know what informed decisions are?"

"I would say 75% of your decisions are wrong."

"... you don't have inner peace."

"At 19, your life is quite messed up."

- words of my father.

He's right on some things, but not on these. We disagree on so many things and on so many different levels. It's been a long struggle but I guess only time can help us work out our differences. Right now, all I can say is that I'm sorry for being rude to him and prolonging this fight by not putting aside my pride to apologize, as well as hurting him in that process.

My seven deadly sins.

2009-08-11T06:10:00.001+08:00

I came across this quiz while reading up on some stuff after watching Seven Signs of The Apocalypse on History Channel. Seriously, I didn't know that I love food that much. I don't know how accurate this quiz is and the results are, but if you'd like to try it, click here.

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Very Low

If you leave me now..

2009-08-10T20:35:00.002+08:00

I'll hang on and do stupid things like go to a gig and cry. My chest feels so heavy, and I can't breathe. Everything is alright, but I'll save how it got that way for another day.

Quick updates:

Well, Vans came over yesterday and we did homemade facial using papaya, egg white and sea salt. It looked as if we'd vomited all over our own faces. It's been more than 12 hours and I still have a papaya face and masked hair. Anyway, time to rename the band and take it to the next level; serious band meeting soon!

Oh, and I passed my latest exam. I was so sure that I was going to fail it having slept the night before and didn't study at all, but I'm really thankful. What a stupid module. Time to start studying for my next exam in a month's time, and doing my projects due the same time.

Time to also hit the gym. Okay, basically, it's time to get my shit together.

Just one last thing before I go, I want to thank all my friends for being there and looking out for me during this time. You know who you are, and I really appreciate it. You guys keep me hanging on. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Amalia is still alive!

Uncut Uncensored

And in case you haven't seen the video of us raping Coldplay's Yellow, here it is.

The letter to myself that made me cry my eyes out in the end.

2009-08-07T21:25:00.001+08:00

It's been a week since our break-up and I'm actually doing better than I expected. I'm not saying that it's easy; I have to constantly refrain myself from dialing his number and still write sanity-checks on my wall every other day. There are so many things that I have to sort out at this point, like my emotions and thoughts. It's confusing and I might forget why I even did this in the first place. This is why I feel like I need to write this down.

I love him, without a doubt. I used to know why, but I don't anymore. It could just be the fact that we'd spent the past few years building our lives around each other, but even if so, I still wouldn't know. Maybe we've changed, or our issues weren't dealt with properly and they just made things complicated. Either ways, our relationship is beyond salvation.

It's hard to let go when we've both become so comfortable with each other and when we still share some really good times. It just comes to a point where comfort and fun are not enough to make this work. We are facing bigger issues that we've repeatedly tried to solve.

Regarding the issue of trust, I see no other way if he is not willing to work on it with me. Despite the fact that he was the one who abused and lost my trust in him, I knew that building that trust again had to be a combined effort, but through it all, he'd been demanding that trust from me, and wasn't willing to work for it, just as I was. I hated not trusting him as much as he did, because if given a choice, I didn't want to be fucking paranoid and miserable about the stupidest of things, and most of all, hurt him. I wanted me to trust him as much as he did, but I couldn't do it alone. Forcing myself to do it alone would've been like making me pay for his mistakes, and I just didn't want to, because if I did, there was that possibility of my resentment towards him in future, and that would just make things more complicated.

Also, he kept breaking his promises, and not only did this make it worse for our trust issue, it also made it impossible for me to build on life. Life is already a big empty promise. I just can't be with someone who adds on that empty promise. If anything, I'd like to be with someone who could fulfill a bit of that promise for me, and he's just not that someone. I forgave him for all his broken promises, but for him to say that I was the one to make him break his promise, showed that he didn't even know what he's doing (or promising), and how used he's gotten to pushing the blame to others. YOU make a promise, YOU keep it. If you break it, you can't blame it on anyone. If you are unsure of being able to keep it, then don't make it. You know, I understand that people make mistakes and sometimes, they break promises. The thing is, he's broken countless, and I've exhausted all the chances I was capable of giving him. Even if I still had an ounce of strength to give him one more, I just wouldn't believe him anymore. His words are almost meaningless to me now.

Another thing that was an issue for me was the fact that he'd been intentionally hurting me. I just don't think that you would knowingly hurt someone that you truly love. He wanted to hurt me because I was crying, because he hurt me? Seriously, what the fuck? Revenge? If he's going to be vengeful towards me, what's the point? And to think that out of all this, I never even took revenge for what he did to me. Trust me, if I did, I would've done the exact same thing he did to me, or worse, but I didn't, because this is one of the stupidest problems ever. Bottom line is, he'd become an evil person towards me and didn't even care.

I can't explain the actual depth of these problems, and I'm sorry I'm not writing this good enough to bring you up to my level of understanding, but I'm just damn lazy and sick of glossing over these problems. And I shouldn't have to anymore, because I'm not special to him. I'm not going to say what exactly happened in our last fight for the sake of saving some dignity for the both of us, but to know that there's another girl added on to the long list of girls he's ever said "I love you" to finally became an issue for me. Honestly, I'm not angry with him for even lying to me about it, I just wanted to know if that was the truth. And if it wasn't, why did he have to be so mean about it? Was it wrong/too much for me, as his girlfriend, to ask (not even demand) for a little bit of reassurance, a gesture that would make feel special? Aside from that, I just don't think that there's anything he can do to make me feel like I'm exclusive anymore, like seriously, what in the world would make me think that his "I love you" to me would be any different from his "I love you" to all those girls he would just want to have fun with?

He probably believes it in his heart that he really loves me, but I don't think he does. I think he loves the "idea of me". I don't think he even knows who he is, and much less would I.

The thing is, I don't blame him for this, at all. It's not wrong for him to be who he is, even if it hurts people, but he's just not right for me. It's just a sad situation where you've tried everything you can to make it work, but it's just not meant to be.

So, right now, I'm just taking my leave, hoping that one day he'll find someone who's perfect for him, in every way, and I know for sure that when that happens, he would be a different person and the problems we had wouldn't even exist between them, or at least, they'd work it out much better than we did.

As for me, I'm just taking each day as it comes, with only one thing in mind - myself. It's selfish, but it's the only way to get me through this and help me get back to the once individualistic person that I was. Sometimes I try to fast forward by planning what to do the next day, but so far, I'm holding up. A lot of people asked me whether I'm going to get back together with him, even Ghalid himself, but seriously, I don't know, I don't know what's going to happen. I can't predict the future of this thing, or anything else, for that matter, but I know that right now, we're not meant to be and I'm just preparing myself to lose him forever. I also know that one day, I might forget the anger, the pain, and why I even left him, but all I can do is stay strong.

I know that whatever I write will never justify our love, but maybe one day, I'll be able to write about the time I had his heart and how I cherished it. Maybe, one day. It'll all get better in time.

People & Gigs.

2009-08-05T11:42:00.002+08:00

Vlog #3

Finally, something other than Ghalid.

2009-08-02T19:07:00.001+08:00

Okay, I know things have been shitty with Ghalid and I, and I've been paying a lot of attention to him and our relationship, but after some solo head-banging to Disturbed in my room, I'm back in THE GAME with PERFECT INSANITY! Ha. So, let me just give you a low-down on what's been going on: Vans' 21st, The Monster Show @ F.A.D Studios, Too Fast Too Crust Too @ Crawlspace, all of which means a shitload of fun and booze that I haven't had in a while. It was great getting away from all the fucked things in life and catching up with friends. ;) What more can I say, right?

Vans' 21st

The Monster Show

Too Fast Too Crust Too

The little bitch, she went and she told a lie. Never fucking lie to me.

2009-07-31T22:20:00.002+08:00

Even if you lie me back into your arms, I will constantly remind myself that you are fucking dead to me, until you have no choice but to let the fucking truth kill you. A life with you is a big empty promise that I will keep crushing over and over again if I have to.

Fuck this bullshitism.

2009-07-29T10:56:00.000+08:00

I say "fuck" a lot. I'm so sick of it. Maybe a new word, like "bullshitism"?

Wasting YouTube's space.

2009-07-24T09:27:00.002+08:00

Vlog #2

Before it's too late.

2009-07-21T11:20:00.001+08:00

I just experienced the most blissful and timely epiphany. I don't know if it's because I've gained some solid emotional stability over the years or I'm going crazy.. or I'm just going through some drastic hormonal changes because I'm about to menstruate, but I really feel like my heart has been renewed, like by some miracle, I feel like I have so much love to give. This is really weird considering yesterday I was so bitter about everything and it was probably the longest day I've had in a while.

I woke up crying from what happened yesterday night and was looking at my old videos in YouTube, and I came across these tributes from random, ordinary people all over the world to their loved ones. I wouldn't usually watch them because they're depressing. But I was down, so watching them made me feel better, like I wasn't alone.

The first tribute was from a heartbroken father to his daughter who had left the family. They hadn't seen each other for some years, and in the dedication, the father expressed how much he misses and loves her, and the part that touched me the most was when he said he is sorry for whatever he did to make her leave and that he was just trying to be her father. At this point, I was bawling my eyes out, thinking of MY father, whom I haven't spoken to for a few months now, and how we're so lucky to still have each other around, but we're both abusing this time we have together by saying things we don't mean and abandoning one another.

Next, I watched these series of tributes by this man who lost his lover for six years to some sickness. They tell the story of how he deals with the pain after losing her. After watching a few of them, I realized how much pain he was going through in trying to keep his promise to her that he'd move on. He said he just didn't want to let go of something that he knows wouldn't happen again.

The thing is, after watching all that, I realized that these people didn't have choices, and then I felt so evil and stupid for feeling the way I felt. I've always tried to be contented with what I am and what I have, but amidst the search for something better, I lose sight of that. I AM LUCKY. There are so many people in this world who are less fortunate and suffering more than I am. Who am I to defy the choices that I've been given?

Getting to choose is a privilege. But here I am, with these choices laid out for me, and I'm kicking them around. I could get stripped of these choices one day and I wouldn't know what had hit me.

I read somewhere earlier that letting go isn't a one-time thing, it's something you have to do every single day. It helped by giving back the faith I had in me, in him, and in us; I managed to let go today. I look around me now and I don't see any reason for me to be upset. I have everything I'll ever need.

I used to tell Ghalid I would love him unconditionally and that I would never leave him, but apparently, I didn't even know what it meant, and I left him. I let him back into my life last year but it just hasn't been the same. I haven't been treating him well. I've been so selfish. I couldn't help it. Honestly, it made me feel better being that person towards him after what happened.

But that's not who I am and who I want to be. The me I used to know was full of love and life, and even though I might not have known what unconditional love meant, I loved Ghalid through all the ways I knew how, even if it meant being emotionally-unstable. And that's the person I'd rather be. That is the person that he fell in love with in the first place.

Maybe some people might think I'm crazy for choosing to be the kind of person who could potentially lose herself when I've already come to this stage of my life where I'm in control.. but I want to live again, fearless.

The risk that might break you
is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
nothing is real till it's gone.

Right now, all I want to do is love him the best I can. I have this choice to keep trying and I'm taking it. No matter what problems we have, I know that they can be solved. Why should I make this dramatic choice to leave him when I want him more than the life without him? I'm blessed to have someone who loves me too.

Hold on, before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives.

So live like you mean it
Love till you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
nothing is real till it's gone.

The reason why my father always thinks I'm too young to deal with matters of the heart.

2009-07-20T04:40:00.003+08:00

It's sweet, really. But even as I'm about to tell my story, I still don't regret being 14 and in love.

This is just so sudden and random, and I think the best way for me to feel better is for me to write exactly what happened and how I feel.

I broke up with Ghalid. What triggered the fight was because I couldn't reach him for a long time. I got worried because it hasn't happened ever since a couple of years ago, when he was cheating on me. I needed to talk to somebody who understands me and could calm me down, but the few people who do weren't able to talk to me. So when he finally picked up, I was so angry. But the thing was that, truly, I accepted his explanation and wasn't so much angry about him being missing.

I told him I couldn't give him any more benefit of the doubt.. but I can, I always can. Sometimes the past makes it hard for me to trust him, but I do - I trust him. I mean relationships depend on it to survive, no matter how much it has been abused, right? Even in life, you don't always know that you're going to do the right thing, you just have to trust that you are. But whenever he makes a mistake, instead of forgiving him, I keep glossing over that mistake and then he gets mad too. And I don't know, but maybe that's the problem.

I feel like I've become too unforgiving and cynical. I feel like I'm scarred for life for what he did to me. I feel like he doesn't know how to make me feel better. I feel like his pride always gets in the way and that hurts me. Our fights get blown out of proportion often and it's hard to keep dealing with them. We have a big problem and I don't think either of us knows how to solve it.

I wish I can let go of the past completely. I've forgiven him so long ago, but the fact is, it happened, and it will always be there. I can't erase it, no matter how hard I try, and I'm sorry that I can't. Sometimes I get mad at myself for even being sorry because I didn't ask for it, and I shouldn't be obligated to make the effort to erase something that he did. It's just easier to stay mad at him. But that's a problem because I love him. So if I want to be with him, I have to learn how to let go.. and I don't know how.

All of that would just be a little easier if he could take responsibility of his mistakes without letting his pride get in the way. At times I wonder, do I really have to teach him how to love me? Being with him made me learn how to love myself because I'm the only one who can make myself feel better. I'm not saying that I mind it, but what's the point of being in a relationship when I can't lean and count on him.

I can't change him. No matter what I feel, say, and do, there's only so much he can change. Ultimately, he will stay true to himself. And I'm not one to change him, or anyone else for that matter. Everyone has to make his/her own choices. And if we're going to get anywhere with this, I have to make mine, and most times, I feel like I can't do it, like I can't let go, and then I'll feel like I'm left with no choice but to leave him, even though I love him. Some things got to give.. right? But the problem is, I keep having faith in myself and in us. I keep trying, but I always come back to this. So how am I suppose to move on, when I'm still in love with him?

I don't know if I should keep trying. I know that if I want him, I'll never give up trying. I know that if we never give up, we'll get what we want one day. I know we can do anything if we never give up, never stop trying. Do I want him? Yes, I do.. but a part of me doesn't.. and that's where I'm stuck.

And I know it's easy to criticize a "break-patch" cycle, and hard to see it happening, but let me tell you, it's harder being in it. So.. maybe I'll work things out. Maybe I won't.

Bored at Ghalid's house.

2009-07-15T23:05:00.002+08:00

Vlog #1

I believe in me for believing in you.

2009-07-14T04:05:00.000+08:00

Maybe I've been hanging on for too long.
Maybe I've been holding on too tight.
So afraid it might slip away.
I've lost you so many times.
I couldn't let go without being angry.
Why does everything go two ways?
Every choice is like
being certain about being uncertain.
So someone please enlighten me -
what's the point of deciding on anything at all?
what's the point if all I'll ever do is survive?
what does it matter if I'm happy or sad?
You survive..
big deal.

When it's every man for himself in this world,
who will hear you in the end?

But I say fuck you selfish bastards,
I still hear me.

Even if there's no purpose,
I'll set you free,
and maybe one day,
you'll come back to me.

Mind your love, my love.

2009-07-09T07:35:00.001+08:00

If you knew what I'm thinking
you'd find that the mind is the scariest place to be
Your answers aren't there
but if you put your heart
you might just find
me.

But I have a heart
two hearts probably

so where is me?

Could it be that the hearts aren't right?

Or did mine just stop beating?

I tried convincing myself to believe
that love doesn't exist;

it's a made-up feeling
you put your faith in
and leaves you dependent

on that heart.

Defy, defy, defy.

Probably the only reason why it's hard
to win this battle over love
is because we're outnumbered.

But, how can I not crave for love
when I have once
seen it
touched it
heard it
smelled it
and tasted it?

Just as I had dreamt of you.

You bloody swine.

2009-07-05T19:10:00.001+08:00

How amazing would it be if I was vegan, or at least vegetarian. Wish we were all born that way. Why did the cavemen-chicken thing have to happen.

I'm sick again.. just when I thought my immunity has gotten stronger and I won't have to deal with this shit for some time. G. Anyway, my mom has been sick for over 2 weeks now, so yesterday she was sent to Tan Tock Seng Hospital and tested positive for H1N1 A. I'm very worried for her. Right now she's home-quarantined for a week and hopefully she wins the battle over this evil virus soon. And I can't think of a worse time for my dad to fall sick than while we're at war, seriously. My sister's sick too, but I'm not sure if that's the reason for her throwing her tantrums at me. Gladly, my brother's singing and dancing away in his room, but hopefully he stays in camp long enough to not contract this virus. I'm really surprised, though, at how strong my helper is. I.. I'm coughing my friggin' esophagus out. Breathing in air irritates my throat. My eyes are strained. My head is all woozy. Temperature's rising. I bet you guys would complete 2.4 in seconds upon seeing my goddamn arse. But Ghalid, you're just weird. I love you so much, you know? Well, don't worry, I'm going to the doctor soon to get it checked out and get an MC for what was supposed to be the start of my school redemption period. SIGHHHHHH.

Life really sucks right now. STOP EATING PIG LA YOU PIG-EATERS. DIRTY RIGHTTT? You want to eat pig might as well eat shit. That's it, I'm going to burn all bakkwa stalls. Seriously dude, I don't mind pigs but they don't taste that yummy and have been proven to be really unhealthy. And I'm not saying this from an Islamic point of view, but if there was one thing Islam is right about, it's the pig.. ya? But then again, everything is a source of death, or could be, so how?

On a completely different note, I just found out about this No To Rape movement going on. Apparently, marital rape is legal here. But of course, marital rape is still rape, so I urge you all, both men and women, to click on the icon on the right and sign the petition to repeal this Act under Singapore's law.

Well, I'll see you guys.. once I'm 101%, okayyy.

My dream of becoming a Kiwi.

2009-07-03T00:35:00.000+08:00

I just discovered that my parents almost bought a house in New Zealand. The house is beautiful; it's a fully-furnished glass house located in front of a lake and has a clear view of the mountains. The best part about it is that it's in the south, in Queenstown, near the awesome ski resort that we went to when we were there. All of us fell in love with it. My parents even did the calculations. Unfortunately, the timing just isn't right. But I have a very good feeling, that when it is, we'll actually migrate there. It would be a great place to based in, and a terrific place for my parents to retire in.

We all got excited for nothing, but seriously, right now, I would drop everything I have and am doing here if my parents decide to take the leap; I would quit school and take my goddamn BA somewhere else in the world, or even in New Zealand itself, where you look out of your classroom and see a beautiful landscape of blue skies and mountains, and literally get to count sheep. When I graduate, I'll travel the world, because since we wouldn't have to keep up with such high costs of living, I'd actually have the money to. Ghalid and I would meet up once in a couple of months in different countries. I'd return to base after another couple of months to visit my parents and help out with their whatever form of Asian leisure-business, and maybe work at the bungy site just for the heck of it. I would meet the All Blacks and get the traditional Maori tattoo. Ah, it just sounds like a damn good plan.

Singapore is such an exhausting place to live in. People here are reading "How To Get Rich" books for fucks' sake, and every conversation I overhear is about how to make more money to buy fancy cars, houses and shit like that. Dude, that's just fucking boring.

But anyway, we ARE living in this 'safe' (synonym: boring) country. So, for now, I guess I'll just have to make the best out of it.. ya? Besides, I'm not saying it's all that bad.. I think. Well, it's home.. has been. :)

School shmool.

2009-07-01T09:20:00.001+08:00

BMCD1 0919A #1

BMCD1 0919A #2

Well, these pictures that my school friends have been asking for are a little overdue, but, nonetheless, they're up and free for your objectification of your boredom.

Well, its school break at the moment, but I still have many things to do, like sitting for my outstanding exams and doing my GP. I'm lagging behind, really, but I'm trying to pull it together. I figured, there's no point over-stressing about school because I really just have to go at my own pace. Yet, I still need all the luck I can get so I won't waste any more of my parents money. ;)

And, I seriously don't know what's going on with the MCC launch on 8th July or what I have to do, if I even have to.

Maybe I'm just too cool for school.. ya? Nah, you know I'm just kidding. You guys have a great day ahead!

Meet the Bataks!

2009-06-25T07:50:00.004+08:00

Medan, Indonesia

12th to 15th June 2009

Here I am.. didn't take too long like always, huh? Well, I know I went to Medan some time ago, but it was great. We learnt quite a lot of stuff about the Batak culture. I wouldn't say it was a completely pleasant trip, but it was truly an interesting and enriching experience. Why it was a little unpleasant was that it was still under-developed and that caused a lot of concern for security and whatnot. Otherwise, our 4D3N stay in Indonesia was brilliant.

DAY 1

We took a 7AM flight with Silk Air. It's about a 2-hour flight. When we arrived in Medan, we had to take a 4-hour car ride to Lake Toba in Parapat, where we were going to stay for the night. So, this is the car that we traveled in for the entire 4 days.

And this was our driver cum guide, Sufian. He was a really good guide. He's like multi-purpose, he does EVERYTHING.

Anyway, Lake Toba is beautiful. This is the view from me and my siblings' room.

Well, however beautiful, that Siantar Hotel must've been the creepiest hotel I've ever stayed in. My brother calls it accommodation hell. We had to change rooms twice because at least something, like the air-conditioner, wasn't working. Staff casually gave out our room numbers to other staff. It had dark alleys everywhere and unfortunately, our room was right next to one. What made it worse was that, on the other side of our room was a creepy-looking flight of stairs with ONE naked, low-watt bulb giving it some light. What made THAT even worse was that, at the foot of that stairs was another pitch-black alley. Well, all I can say is that we had our fun there and thanks to my brother's bright idea to go ghost-hunting, I almost pee-ed in my goddamn pants.

After exploring the streets of Parapat, an alright dinner at accommodation hell, some lounging, and attempts to karaoke, it was time to celebrate dear brother's birthday at one of the better hotels further up in the mountain with his 1st cake. Yes, there's a 2nd. Food was served. Ambience was great. I think it was a good alternative to our traditional midnight-at-Swensens birthdays. Then some guys came out with a guitar and sang a really beautiful song for my brother.

DAY 2

The next day, early in the morning, we took a ferry out to Samosir Island. The ferry was real slow, but we took a private one so it wasn't so bad. We were also entertained by 2 Batak little boys, who sang us Indonesian songs in harmony. I loved them!

There were many things to see and buy at the island, but what really interested me was the preserved Batak village that we toured. So, let me just take you through a few of the things in it.

Before Bataks had a religion, they sent their prayers to this big tree.

And when they went into Christianity, they built this church.

This one below is their "City Hall". This is where their community meetings were held.

These are the Batak houses. A few families would be living in one. Underneath the house is where they kept their animals/rear. However, in the King's case, that space underneath the house was a prison. Okay, wait, when the guide told me this, I laughed, because you didn't need to be Michael Scofield to get out of that.. right? But yea.. that was the case. Maybe they had guards.. who knows.

And, as you might know, Bataks used to eat humans (I paraphrased it this way because, apparently, they didn't think of themselves as cannibals). They didn't just eat anyone, they ate those who committed crime (adultery, etc). But drinking was never a crime. Bataks LOVE to drink. Anyway, these offenders were locked up in jail (yes, the one under the King's house), for 7 days and 7 nights. During that time, they were given everything they asked for, sort of like chance to live their lives before being slaughtered I guess. When that time was up, they would've been brought to this place.. slaughter house, tempat panchong, whatever you call it.

Once slaughtered, the meat would be distributed to the people, and only the King would drink the offenders' blood as it was claimed to give power.

After our time at the island, we took a drive to the market, had our lunch, and headed for Brastagi. While we were on the way there, we came across these monkeys at the side of the road. There were many of them, you can check them out in the album, but I just can't get enough of this one. Hee!

We also dropped by another Batak village. It had kings who had more than 10 wives all in one house. The king also had a "VIP room" for his favourite. Crazy stuff. We also got to see the waterfall, Sipisopiso. It was really cold up there.

It was even colder in Brastagi, but we were so glad when we saw the hotel and our rooms! We took a proper bath and headed to the the restaurant for dinner and my brother's 2nd part of the birthday celebration. So this is us and my brother's 2nd cake.

Okay, I'm getting a little tired writing this, just as you probably are, if you read up till here. But we're almost done..

DAY 3

We went to this market that sells an abundant of stuff.. fruits & vegetables, food & drinks, clothes and ANIMALS. Yes, animals. At first, I was kinda upset because they're just strewn all over the place and look like they've not been taken care of, but after I thought about it, I guess it was better that these people are just trying to find homes for these poor babies.

Anyway, you can also take carriage/horse rides at the market. My siblings and I took the horses while our parents took the carriage. Mine was named Pop (pronounced as po-pee), my sister's - Lady, my brother's - Biduwi? My brother didn't even know.

I LOVED THE RIDE despite the absence of proper horse-riding gear while riding on a speed-galloping horse. I had blisters from trying to hold on to the saddle when the horse galloped through cars and people, and it still felt like I was going to fly off Pop. But I have to say.. it was so liberating! We had a slow walk in the park too, which was nice.

And then, it was time to say goodbye to nice, chill-weather Brastagi, and back to Medan.

The hotel in Medan wasn't as fantastic as the second night's but was good enough for me. The girls had a full-body massage and scrub, and that was AMAZING! I really needed that.

Well, Medan itself is already urbanized, so it was a laid-back time for us, y'know.. back in "civilization". We even went to Starbucks that night. The only weird and scary thing about it was the roads. Sufian made fast-moving cars stop just by walking slowly into the middle of a busy road with his hand raised up in the air, alerting them to stop. And there you see, one whole family behind him screaming and screaming trying to cross the goddamn road. It was fucking funny.

DAY 4

Ah.. this day was just a lot of shopping, and I mean A LOT. We went to their Factory Outlet, the dangerous souvenir market, some shopping mall and the really nice shopping mall. Oh they had this instant karaoke thing. It's like neoprint. You pick a song, pay about $0.50 a song, get inside one of the several booths and sing your heart out! It was FUN! I wish Singapore has it.

After all that, we had dinner, drove to the airport, grabbed some Dunkin' Donuts (fuck, I never knew how awesome their Beef Salami Croissants were!) and took the late night flight back home. :)

Well, what more can I say. The place wasn't very tourist-friendly, but it was a great experience.. something I didn't expect to get out of just going to Indonesia. Refreshing.

A picture to sum up my trip to Medan:

Under-developed, that satellite dish which is everywhere, wet & queasy, yet rich in culture, breathing with nature.

Haha.. okay, bye!

Back in black, baby.

2009-06-24T09:00:00.000+08:00

It's been a really rough month with school, family and hence, everything socially.. and physically. I was down with quite a high fever in the past few days. So when I felt better last night, I thought it was a good time to get my things together. I cleared out my stuff in my little laptop Chupps before she crashes and burns. Moving my little proof of existence from Chupps to an external hard drive is like migrating from Singapore to Paris. I swear I almost vomited waiting for my 6563 pictures to be exported. But hey, it was a good start. I still have many things to do like clean my room, settle school stuff, come up with a long-term plan to stop fighting with my father, etc. Ya, you know this shit. I really screwed up this month. It was like a chain reaction, like I went into self-destructive mode or something. But you know, one thing at a time, right? :)

With that said, I know I haven't been writing in a while, but I can't wait to show you some of the things I've been up to, especially in Medan! So, till then, I do hope you guys are treating yourselves well.. and stay happy ya. :D

ORD-OH!

2009-06-07T04:55:00.003+08:00

Ghalid's ORD

So, Ghalid just ORD-ed on Friday. I guess it wasn't much of a celebration because we were both broke as fuck and it was just a bad day for him (my poor baby!), but we went to eat at Secret Recipe and went swimming at my place, so it didn't turn out that bad. We went out again yesterday to the Odiocrib gig and then watched "Drag Me To Hell". We played the "last alphabet" game and that was really cool. We bumped into a lot of our friends. I thought it was quite a hectic day. I actually kinda just got back, but I thought, since I've been procrastinating blogging time after time, I'd just take a few minutes to write and get grasp on everything that's been going on.

Anyway, I don't know about Ghalid and how he's really feeling about finishing NS, whether it has completely sunk in or not, but I think it's a big change. You know, you work for 2 years of your life, you get accommodation, free food, and although the whole idea of NS might suck, you're sorta secured. And suddenly, you're done and all of that security is gone. So I understand if he has a lot of things on his mind. I think that with these kinda things, you gotta be mentally prepared. I know he has a lot of things he's worrying about, but whatever it is, I'm still gonna be here for him and help him through this transition.

For me, life's been the same old shit. School, school and more school. There are other things that I'm doing but there's just so much more to know.. you know? It's like time is not enough, as Celine would say also (hee!). Nevertheless, it's been great and what's even greater is the fact that I'm going to Lake Toba in Indonesia next week, you know that lake that was formed by the supervolcano eruption that was said to have caused a population-bottleneck or something? Well, yeah, I'm excited. A vacation sounds so terrific! My brother's birthday would be celebrated there as well. Lucky fella.

3 days, 2 nights since I've had any sleep.

2009-05-30T14:45:00.000+08:00

There is no point in rationalizing an irrational person. There is, in fact, no point in rationalizing anything at all. We're all irrational. You think you're in control, but what are you really controlling? How much of what you know do you really know? Maybe control isn't even the answer. Maybe we're the aliens. Maybe we're the animals in serious need of some animal control. We're stupid and egoistic. How sad is it that we're made this way, to not be able to even fathom "the big picture" and left to drown in existentialism, such as this. And, how convenient would it be to find out that, really, we're just a game of monopoly or something. Hey, you up there, we're great to laugh at, but, by any chance, are you gonna be done soon?

But hey, it's just a thought. I think I kinda know "reality". And this reality sucks at the moment.

FUCK YOU YOU CONCEITED PIECE OF SHIT.

2009-05-21T23:30:00.000+08:00

Tonight I'm with the devil.
I'm taking back my goddamn right to my existence.

A moment.

2009-05-16T07:15:00.001+08:00

'I realised I'd always thought of you as my discovery. Mine, not his.'

Her smile made him smile back. 'But must I always be someone's?' she asked.

'Of course not.'

She smiled again. 'Know this.' She took his hand and placed it against her naked breast. 'Here, now, for as long as this night lasts, I am yours. Totally yours.'

'And beyond that?'

She shook her head. 'I can't tell you what lies beyond tonight. Not out there beyond this room.'

He began to move his hand on her breast in an almost imperceptible caress. 'I wish the rest of the world would vanish and leave us here forever.'

She reached around him and ran the flat of her hand down his spine.

'None of it is there until you look at it,' she said, pulling him closer.

'I'll never look,' he said.

'You will,' she said, 'but kiss me first.'

'Always,' he whispered, and outside no wheels turned, no hooves rang out and they could almost believe the world had fallen still for them.

I can't live with or without you.

2009-05-11T05:25:00.000+08:00

Hugh Jackman might be another one of my silly craze after Paul Walker and Krista Allen. But when you talk about love, it's on a whole other level. You're probably like my Mariah Carey.

Well, I love you. I know things haven't been easy for us, and sometimes it's easier to just give up, but with or without you and me, at the end of the day, when we've accomplished what we both want, it'd be nicer to have had shared the journey with someone.. absolutely.

You'll always be my favourite boy. We've both loved and lost.. still you're the only one who has never given up on me and on us, even though you don't know where it'd take you, and that's the sweetest thing. I'm so lucky to be loved by you that unconditionally.

So here's to you my dear, and to everything there is to come.. your way or my way.

Tigger & Pooh.

2009-05-07T06:18:00.008+08:00

Tigger..

Ghal before leaving for Taiwan..

What the hell am I doing? Not even done with my assignment.

Fight Club (Mat Version)

2009-05-04T04:15:00.000+08:00

So on Friday night, I went on a picnic with my sister and some our friends at Sentosa; right outside Cafe Del Mar, to be exact. We had no intention of going to the gay event at Cafe Del Mar that night, but our gay friends wanted to party, as always, so we did. The half-naked gay men wearing Speedos dancing in the pool with us weren't exactly the highlight of that night.

We got into a "fight" with two mat bouncers because we climbed OUT of the PICKET FENCE (it was just nearer to the rest of our friends). They hurled profanities at us and gave us some kind of mat gesture to fuck off, so my friend went up to them and said that it was uncalled for and could've just been said nicely. They got defensive. The argument went on for a couple minutes until one of them said to meet him at 5 AM when he gets off work to "settle things" and also threw a jug at one of our friends. Since they were so bold, we asked for their names. One of them said, "For me to know, for you to find out". Sure, let me guess, your name is Muhammad Bodoh Bin Coward, right?

Anyway, my sister was so angry. I've never seen her that angry in my life. She went to the entrance and asked to see the manager. Someone belonging to Cafe Del Mar and the organizer of the event came out, but they were also rude and useless (possibly they were all friends and they were just trying to protect their people). So there it went.. about an hour of trying to divulge the names of the the two idiots.. but all in vain. Eventually, she stormed out of the place, completely unsatisfied.

I think they pissed off the wrong person, if you ask me. Sugar, they're going down swinging man.

Oh yah, I've been such a crazy bitch towards Ghalid ever since he came back. I'd like to blame it on the anti-climactic return, but I won't. I think we just missed each other and his coming home was a little overwhelming for the both of us. But after a good talk, some quality (quiet) time together, a couple of adjustments, we're fine.

"Bring a bottle of chili sauce. Make that two." - Advice from Ghalid for NS men going to Taiwan.. that is if you're anything like him. Of course, if you're like Jarell, you'd have to bring two bottles of ketchup instead. Heh.. Ghalid is going to ORD very soon. :D I'm excited.

Ugh, I'm so wordy these days. What's happening? I'm happy at the expense of my spirituality. I want my poetic charm back.

The sun is a monster!

2009-04-29T14:45:00.001+08:00

Read more.

Beyond The Big Bang is a brilliant show. The Big Rip Theory is also just as interesting (although it takes some time to get your head around the sciences of it). I'm not sure how, if it is, is related to the prediction that the world will end in 2012. As much as I think it's bullshit to get in too deep with this shit, I think it's important to be in the know, because who knows, I could be like "I AM LEGEND!"

Well, I'm just continuing yoga, being vegetarian every other week for a week, and staying organic as best as I can, or just staying happy, and hopefully I fulfill whatever ultimate "purpose" of my being. Maybe we could all just play a game with the people of the future who might have to experience the unfortunate. Maybe we could bury a Twister set, a guitar, a carton of cigarettes (air-tightened), perhaps a Swiss army knife (for survival or for death), deep in the ground, and you know, have a treasure map leading them to that, sort of like a treasure hunt for "the escape". That'd be fun, hm?

This reminds me of a conversation I had with someone which is evil but so true.

Someone: I can't stand facing corporate people in the morning.
Me: Why?
Someone: They think that what they do makes a difference in the world, but it is actually negligible.
Me: Yes. Still they waste their time with "no pain no gain".

Do you see that we are not safe and never will be?

Here comes the sun.

2009-04-21T08:28:00.005+08:00

Good morning guys! Mine started at 12.18 AM, when I just woke up and met Jarell (who is now my neighbour, YAY!). We went on a tiring quest for beer for a good one hour, but had that good, long-deserved conversation in the end, so it was great.

Anyway, when I got home, I decided to watch all the videos by Improv Everywhere on YouTube. It was like a marathon. I started around 4.45 AM and finished around 8 AM (luckily my Internet was in a good mood), but it was worth every minute. It was amazing, THEY'RE fuckin amazing. It really made my night (or morning, whatever)! I know they've been around for some time, but watching all that just makes me want to move there and be a part of that (part of that sunshiny stuff they're pulling off), or at least just be a part of something like that here (unfortunately if there was, they'd be in jail now.. or starving - but then again these things are so worth it, that don't mean we couldn't try hm). Well, if you haven't seen or seen all of their videos, check them out, ImprovEverywhere YouTube, and have a blast man.

AND today is BEN & JERRY'S FREE CONE DAY!

On top of all this, I have no school today and my parents are back. I am a very happy girl. :)

Oh yah, my awesome Saturday night last week.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was just about to take my power nap so I checked on my online shit and saw a new comment on Friendster. I was like "Oo a comment from Sharik".

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Sharik, if you ever read this, I'm sorry, you know it's all love. Haha.

3 Happiness?

2009-04-16T02:50:00.003+08:00

On Tuesday, while having lunch with Mus at Shiraz Cafe, a singh came up to us and asked if we were interested in having our fortune told. I was dry (so dry that Mus had to pay for my lunch and my trip home), so we declined his offer. But before he left, he said a couple of things to me, one of which was that "3 happiness are coming your (my) way".

I'm not one to believe this kind of things, so I kinda dismissed it with hope that I'd be blessed with a big fat wallet soon. But it lingered in my thoughts for a while. I've been having this ache in my chest, and I didn't know why until I got home and had this nightmare that the people I love abandoned me. Ahh the pain (somehow I don't cry anymore and I make up for the emotional pain with physical pain, hence working myself out half to death).

Right now, no one has abandoned me, fortunately for me, but it's been kinda lonely around here. Ghalid's in Taiwan for a month (and it's only been a little more than a week), my good friend is behind bars for six months, my parents just left for Cape Town for a week, and it's weird for me to be feeling this way because I never really have big separation issues. And maybe feeling this way makes me a little self-involved (but everyone is at some point), and I don't think that's a problem because in realizing that, I reaffirm my needs (or the people I need in my life). And since there's no way to prove or disprove what the singh said, I might as well just hope that these 3 groups of people are brought back to me safely soon, because I don't feel so at home right now.

I fuckin miss you. Ghalid, I say your name over and over every day but I can't feel you or even hear your voice. I force myself to not let the memory of the feeling of that one kiss on my forehead you left me with drift away. I'd give anything to just feel the pain you inflict on me by throwing punches at me, and even though I'd get hopping mad and attempt to inflict the same amount of pain by giving you several more, at least I know you're there. Just fucking come home.

Ahh.. achy breaky heart, a fucked stomach that, apparently, an overload of chili padi doesn't settle very well in, and an exam on the way, do not go very well together. I need to get this shit in my brain but something is seriously wrong with my stomach. It honestly feels like the last time I had that severe food poisoning. My parents gave me some money and I'm thankful but, what the hell am I gonna do with it when almost everyone is not here? Kill. Me. Now.

WHAT HAPPINESS? Come to me now. I feel like a fuckin baby, so vulnerable and whiny, but I don't care, I just wish you were all home. I wanna tuck myself in bed now. :( I can't describe how sad I am. :( :( :(

Yogees

2009-04-12T05:25:00.004+08:00

I went for yoga yesterday morning with my sister and her friends, this time with Kate Porter. She was really good. It was a mixed-levels class, and she did a fantastic job in ensuring that the poses were suited to each of our ability. I guess it was done on a more personal level compared to established agencies like Amore. I fell asleep during the corpse pose. HAHA. Anyway, what was better was the fact that it was conducted in her house at Laguna Park. It brings back some really fond memories of the first sixteen years of my life. Although the place I'm currently staying at is growing on me, I really love and miss the old house and location. It's right opposite the beach and so damn peaceful. I don't like the crowd here very much. Whatever, yoga was relieving and gave me some good, uninterrupted sleep.

Wah some woman was eating star-fruit on TV. So long since I last ate it.

I went to the 2AM Dessert Bar a while ago and had this Chili Chocolate. I know, it's weird. The chili was an aftertaste which made me feel a little uneasy. I think it would've been alright for me if it had a sweet end instead. But I've gotta say, the ambience was cosy, the quantity was just right. It felt lighter than the usual dessert that leaves you guilty and want to stick your fingers in your throat. Overall, it was nice but I guess I'm just not the sort to be "fine deserting", as Daddy says, much.

Okay, I will be mugging this week so I'll leave you with some pictures from the 4XM06 chalet.

4XM06 Chalet

April's Tragedies

2009-04-05T10:50:00.001+08:00

I just got back from the April's Tragedies pit at Pasir Ris Park. I'm not very sleepy yet, but not awake enough to write so much shit. So, if you're interested in seeing:-

- People showing off their assets

- Kickass friends and their drunk antics

- Entertainers in the dark

- Drunk sleeping, injured ghosts

- Dead people

- Awesome food

- What went down in the morning

- Hafiz Bastard's "message" in a (liquor) bottle

- The two fuckers

.. then amuse yourself by clicking on this album below (for you daft ones out there).

Happy Birthday to all the April's fucking tragedies.

Thanks Vans and everyone else who toiled, sweat profusely from the walk from the carpark carrying stuff to the pit (who chose the damn pit no.?), for a wonderful feast (thanks Ghalid for the yummy lamb chop; yours was the best!), and of course, me, for going grocery shopping with you. HAHA! d:)

And tonight is dinner with Ghalid's family. Yay, more food!

April's Tragedies

Face craft.

2009-04-03T17:10:00.000+08:00

Face Craft

I swear this is the closest we'll ever come to tattooing our faces.

Keeping the faith, instead of fate.

2009-03-31T03:16:00.003+08:00

Why do you think that everyone will stop changing someday? Do we ever find out who we truly are? It's a heavenly thought if it is possible, knowing that we're comfortable and safe. But I find myself constantly changing. I don't think neither you nor I am able to give a definite answer whether you will still love me when I'm different or not.

I don't think that by being the exact same person who holds the same beliefs all the time shows that I am strong. Maybe what determines my strength is my ability to accept myself for whoever I may become and whatever I may have.

I have to stop this habit, this neck I have, of searching for something I know I'll never find. I need to learn how to take each day as it comes, overcome obstacles as they come, constantly, and perhaps it would be more rewarding. Consistent but not routine. Uncertain and not knowing. With any luck, I might even gain optimism and life wouldn't be as difficult as it seems.

I was taking a slow walk home earlier in the night and I felt so calm, even though I had problems to resolve at home. So, I sat by the pool to kind of like sort out my thoughts.

One of the things that took me a while to think about was my faith. I was thinking how it is even possible that some things feel so right but they're actually "wrong". How could something harmless and/or good be sinful? We're taught to never question any of His requirements only because they want us to believe. Why is it that I can't find a solid reason to believe in a particular God? I was raised to believe. But when the time comes, when we're "able" to make choices, am I validated to choose? I never thought that my parents failed in instilling strong faith in me (even though, unfortunately, they think they did). In fact, they're great parents and I'm so thankful to them for getting me to where I'm at today. I still believe in the "higher power", I still believe in a Lord. It's been a while but I'm still battling between turning officially Agnostic and staying in the religion I've been raised in. I guess that's a little bit of a problem, huh?

As I was thinking, I felt very blessed for the life I have. I have my family, Ghalid, and all my friends, and that is.. enough. I found a little bit of peace today. Through all these changes that we're going through and will be, I want to keep this kind of small pleasures.

And sure enough, when I got home, everything turned out to be.. okay. :)

Study break.

2009-03-26T08:10:00.003+08:00

Finally, after 3 years, I've retrieved my hotmail and all else that went with it. ruzi3bitch? Seriously? Very creative man. All my online stuff are so cluttered. I might just delete them all, one day.

Anyway, I got a B for my PR exam. Can't complain. I studied only the day before. In fact, I'm very thankful. Now, I'm just anxiously waiting to find out if I'm able to sit for the Advertising exam tomorrow.

There are so many things to do this weekend. Flea markets. Baybeats Auditions Round 2. Misery Signals. I Love Beach Parties @ Cafe Del Mar. Earth Hour. Where were all these events the past few weekends?! See, now they're all crammed in one weekend, and we're forced to choose some events over others.

But, alright. Back to being busy.

[EDIT]

Yeah man, I'm finally allowed to sit for the exam. :) (Ahh.. the struggles I have to face to fulfill a dream that isn't completely mine.) I hope I can reach her supposedly high expectations, at least halfway, so I can pass and don't have to take the damn supp.

But right now, I'm just so thankful to my sister, who wrote such a convincing letter. And now, back to being busy, again.

Camping + Zoo Trip.

2009-03-18T19:00:00.002+08:00

Camping + Zoo Trip

120209 to 130209

It's been a little down around here. So I just thought I'd think of happy times and share them with you. You know, I'm really happy to have Ghalid in my life. He's always there on my "important" days (after the break-up that is, but I'm glad anyway!). I don't think the status is important. We've been with many different people and been on and off for so long it's hard to tell. What's important is that we love each other. And hopefully, it'll be better this time around. But for now, I'm just happy knowing he's here with me, especially through these tough times.

Anyway, we pitched this ENORMOUS tent at 1AM in the morning. It was crazy. We had to make do with what extremely scarce lighting we had. But we did a pretty good job ay?

We did it so well that we got into a tiff (nothing unusual here) trying to tear down the damn thing. Well, it might have something to do with the merciless sun. Then my parents sent over some breakfast and that kind of made up for everything. Guess we were grouchy too. A hungry couple is a fighting couple.

At the zoo, Ghalid spent an incredibly long time with the white tigers. I love watching him when he's intrigued. It's like watching a little boy learning something new. We also had music turned on the whole journey so we could enjoy our walk through the entire zoo. I guess we infuse music into a lot of things.

And then we came across the Desert Warthog. And I spotted this fella "walking" like this.

I thought "Poor thing, it must've lost it's limbs".

Halfway through, it just got up and "walked" normally. Haha I got conned by a plain lazy pig.

THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE ZOO for me would have to be this Golden Handed Tamarin. I really wanted to bring it home, and I still do!

And let me remind you of one of the funnier movies last year.. MADAGASCAR 2!

Anyway, we managed to see everything in the zoo, except for the shows (maybe we'll watch them next time). We were exhausted after all that walking, but it was awesome after such a long time we've both been to the zoo; we both had the advantage of learning more at the zoo than the last time when we were toddlers.

See ya guys.

Calm down, deep breaths and get yourself dressed.

2009-03-17T16:04:00.003+08:00

I hate Advertising.

I hate that my parents think there's something wrong with me and are expecting an apology for something I'm not sorry for.

I hate that while I try to pull myself together I AM doing things I "should be" apologizing for. (Should I be sorry for trying to pull myself together?)

I love how my brother comforts me with a piece of bun.

I love how my sister thought of me and bought me a beautiful skirt.

I love how my mother puts in relentless effort to show she cares.

My heart is beating so fast these days. I get breathless and my chest tightens till it hurts. I feel like I'm held against my will. They want control over me, over a life that isn't theirs. I have to take control of my life. "Freedom is not given, it is taken". But it's hard. I need to go to a place that calms my heart and eases my mind. I need time to breathe. They say the world doesn't wait for you. But what choice do I have? Whether or not I can catch up, I don't know. I just need to go back to that one safe place and leave this behind.

What a world we live in.

The kind of shit ultimatums I have to deal with.

2009-03-14T17:30:00.001+08:00

Ah, I just got back to a father who is ever willing to disown his children. He did it once. I'm sure it'll be no exception for me, especially. It's not a big deal for me. I've been trained for this. I'll just have to get a job. The only worrying thing is how this decision might affect the rest of my family members, especially my mother. And I don't blame my father for most of it. I'll have to find a way to make this better for everyone. But seriously, I don't like my father. So how do I do this?

"easy" life = conform

unconformity or freedom to live = starving days and sleepless nights

I've always found the latter fulfilling, but every single time I want to fight for it, I think of the blessing that I hadn't received and how my mother suffers, and I just get torn in between of getting what I want and what my family wants. So seriously, how do I do this? Maybe my siblings are better, I don't know (but that's a totally different story). But we all want different things.

Well, it's been a rough a couple of weeks, but this shit ain't special, so it'll be fine. ;)

Anyway, back here on Earth, Ghalid and I have a baby. A baby cat! We named her Tigger. She's real cute and manjaaa! Under training to be a killer, like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill supposedly.

Phobia.

2009-03-13T10:00:00.002+08:00

My idea of closure was definitely not crammed in a couple of messages and did not involve a nosy phantom new girlfriend, but well, I appreciate it anyway.

What makes two equal beings distinctly different from each other? It's you and I. Nothing lasts. And it's alright. I figured, since you'd insist that I not contact you, I'd write you what I've been wanting to tell you here, but they don't seem as necessary as a smile that would just tell you everything you need to know. And I know, one day you'll know. ;)

Moving on, I realized I still am scared of my parents. My heart jumps through the roof when they knock on my door or when my father calls for a meeting with his famous command, "In my room!". I still keep little things from them, not because I'm scared, but because I just don't want to hurt them. Otherwise, they kind of know the real me. So, I don't really know why I'm still afraid of them. It's like a phobia or something. And I can't help but think, that the root of my unconformity or rebelliousness is from this phobia, like I refuse to let them make me feel scared again. Perhaps most of my past was a lie; they took advantage of my stupidity and scared me into doing everything to their favour.

But what the fuck is PHOBIA?

It's a kickass band. Okay no, phobia is.. bullshit. It's all in the mind. Yeah, maybe in recent years, rebelling seemed to be the only solution. Now, I FIGHT. I fight to live my life. See the difference? It's not that I don't appreciate them or consider how my choices would affect them. All I'm trying to say is, it doesn't mean that just because they threw away their lives, dreams and friends to have me means that I'm obligated to be their little marionette forever. How less abrupt can I make this transition for them to let me go? 5 years is a considerably long transition.

And I hate the fact that they use theatrics all the time and are still emotionally blackmailing me. Almost every single mistake I make comes with someone claiming he has to be brought to the A&E. It's like a package or something. Of course, the first few times they did this, I was worried. But then it became so frequent I don't know if they're telling me the truth. Maybe my father thinks it's funny saying that my mother almost had a stroke because of me. You know, I want to be harsh here. Get a hold of yourfuckingselves, because I WANT TO KNOW when it's for real, when it's something I seriously need to be worried about.

I can't change them. They are over-dramatic. It's fine; I dealt with it before, I'll have to deal with it still. But I fucking hope I'll be nothing like them.

Happy Friday 13th, baby.

"Oh baby bear, my baby bear
I need you, oh how I need you
That's my baby
That's my bear"

Hahaha! I love you, bitch whopissedmeoffthismorning.

Your Call RAPED.

2009-03-05T00:00:00.000+08:00

Yet another moronic video of Shafiq Thomas, this time raping a song beyond redemption. Check it out! ;)

DIY FEMME FEST 2009

2009-03-03T01:00:00.006+08:00

DIY Femme Fest 2009 KL

Kuala Lumpur
28th February to 2nd March 2009

Even though I've been to KL countless times, THIS trip was super, the gig was great, had a lot of fun listening to bands that I've never seen on stage and meeting new people. Honestly the people there were much friendlier than people here. Anyway, it was Ghal's first time to KL so he was psyched, as you can see..

I'd be fucking scared if I was one of those people down there man. Anyway, after the gig, we walked around Bukit Bintang and found this budget hotel called Town View. It was 90RM a night. So whatever.

We decided to invest a little bit more money for privacy, accessibility and an AIR-CONDITIONER. Yes, a fucking air-conditioner after being drenched in our own sweat PLUS everyone else's at the gig. You know, hostels are dirt cheap, less than half the price that we paid (and remember, it's in RM), but you gotta bunk in with strangers (sometimes.. like the south wales' one here in Little India but they've got a bar and live bands playing so it's cool) and it's not a very good feeling when you're constantly afraid of someone stealing your stuff (especially your passport, EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE LOCKERS). And sometimes, you gotta deal with a shared toilet. Most hostels don't provide air-conditioning and other amenities that aren't necessary. It's basically like a shelter for you to spend the night in. So yeah, even though we didn't have a TV and the toilet smelt like vomit, it was all good; we had warm water and had a good night sleep later on.

After we freshened up, we headed out to search for a good place to have dinner. We ended up at Sangria Island.

This place was some cool shit. It was real chill because there weren't too many people. The servers and bartenders were hell nice. The band was awesome. They played a number of rock songs. You could tell all of them were rock-influenced, and they were just good. We requested for them to play an ACDC song but they said they hadn't practiced it in a long time, which was a downer, but it was alright. So after their set, we talked to them for a bit and found out their band name is Thunderstorm. So this is just part of the band, the two vocalists, Eddie and Begum was her name?, and the keyboardist who apparently used to play Slipknot and stuff.

And the food was delicious. I had like the best lamb chop ever right here! The portion was so BIG and the gravy was just droolicious. It was really affordable too. I paid 19.90RM, which is like what, S$10 comparable to the usual S$30.

We went over to the bar and had more drinks and danced a little because we were just so tired of looking at people there who looked as though they were so afraid to dance. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was exactly like the disco scene of a Malaysian drama; STIFF DANCING. Like come on guys, your nightlife here is awesome, the streets are bustling with life, music is pounding from everywhere, loosen up a little and enjoy the freedom that you have. Singapore is so controlled and the places that we saw in KL were more than twice better than the same old boring Clark Quay and Cuscaden, which even then, lack of pubs like Sangria where can you can just chill, have some good food and listen to some GOOD old ROCK music.

Hence, I strongly recommend you to check the place out if you happen to go to KL.

We got back around 4AM. And RUM JUNGLE will be our next destination. And perhaps Sunburst? I don't know, I keep on hearing Singfest is much better than Sunburst. But they said it might be different this year because of the line-up. So yeah we'll see.

The next day we walked around some more and one of the places that we went to was Hard Rock. Everywhere you go there's this hype about Hard Rock KL so we decided to try it out. I actually didn't find anything extraordinary about it. It was quite small and it's like the same thing that happens to Hard Rock here at night.. it turns into a club that plays R&B, which is quite fucked up. You know, Ghal and I have been trying to find a metal club but it's been difficult. So if any of you guys know of one here, it'll be real nice if you could let us know. Overall, I just think Hard Rock KL is overrated. But everything else like the people, the stuff up on the walls, the food (they had these awesome chicken wings with heavy metal sauce of which was neutralized with blue cheese) were all cool.

It was raining when we got out so we ran over to Sangria to hang out until the rain simmers down. And this is the bartender who hung out with us while we were there and bought us drinks. Very nice guy.

But the rain didn't stop. We took about an hour walk in the rain to Puduraya Bus Station in our attempt to save money and buy our ticket home. So this was us at the platform where our coach was on. We were drenched and shagged.

But we had a really good time. It was eventful and there are million things about the trip I could talk about, but I'll limit it to this. We made quite a number of friends while we were there whom we exchanged emails with, and as for me, did and saw a lot of things I couldn't do and see during the previous times I was there. So yeah it was a good bunch of friends that I went with and definitely couldn't have had more fun with someone else than I did with Ghal, even though we had so many of our one-minute fights.. haha.

The real sun, sand and sea.

2009-02-26T04:30:00.004+08:00

Maldives

Well, finally got the pictures up. It's a little more work dealing with the DSLR pictures. I really want to write about my trip to Maldives because it's one of the best vacations I've ever been on but I'm pressed for time right now, so I'll do it another day when I can add in the underwater pictures as well. For now, I'll leave you with these pictures first ya.

Road Wars.

2009-02-24T03:36:00.005+08:00

What had pushed me to write after such a long time was my nauseating turned angry episode with the taxi driver yesterday morning. It was 7.45AM. I asked that he took the fastest route to school since I had a presentation (and I was adamant to get to school on time because I'm almost always late for everything else). He drove like a mad F1 driver, and despite his countless sudden brakes that made me appear like I was head-banging half the time and hold back from regurgitating, I was happy that he made the attempt to get to my destination quickly. But after some time I realized he was just showing off his driving skills (because we weren't getting anywhere further than if he did if he were to drive normally). So there he was swerving in and out of lanes. This angered another road user who purposely swerved into the taxi driver's lane, and he got angry too, so he asked me to note the plate number. And then it turned into some kind of expressway war with both of them throwing fists and curses at one another, and there I was again head-banging, almost flying back and forth at the rear of the taxi, wondering what the hell was going to happen since my taxi driver didn't even place an ounce of concentration on the road but on the fella who apparently has a "BABY ON BOARD" (perhaps trying to kill it). Later I managed to write down the taxi's plate number too (I don't know what the hell for but you'll never know these things might come in useful). At this point, I already knew he was trying to cheat me of my money because he went on the longer route. But whatever right, I just wanted to get to school. When I arrived, he stated an incorrect fare and insist that I paid him the correct one on the meter which was $30. Fine, I asked him to give me back whatever I gave him and still trying to cheat me, he said he forgot (I was just too much in a hurry to recall, but I did in the end and paid him whatever amount he stated). It was 9AM.

So, in the end, I paid $30, almost double the usual fare, gained a bonus headache, and was half a fucking hour late. I should've taken the bloody train. At least that would've given me a safer kind of morning bash. Damn you SHD 1120P, what goes around comes around.

Anyway, it didn't affect my presentation in any way except use up my allowance, so there's not really a need to take revenge full force.

I finally caught up with some good rest after school long overdue since Maldives. It's been like a sprint with everything and it feels good to be able to take the time to write again. Would love to write about other stuff but I guess I'll just do that some time soon. So, I hope that you guys been treating yourselves well, and I hope that I get to go to KL this weekend. I'll upload the little camping & zoo trips, and Maldives pictures when I can. See ya. ;)

120209

2009-02-12T06:33:00.004+08:00

Guess what day it is today.

This has been ONE LONG FUCKING YEAR. I still can't register the fact that I'm done with this shit. The outcome? Negligible, or at least I think (perhaps I need a wee bit more time to really figure out the GOOD that probation has brought me). In fact, damn you probation for raising my parents' expectations of me yet again. Fuck this shit man, NO MORE.

It's also my parents' 25th.

It's also my special celebratory outing. I'm going camping and then to the ZOOwoohoo!

It's also the day before I'm off to Maldives. And I got the DSLR to give you some decadent photos when I get back. ;)

It's also 5 days before I go back to school, which is like right when I get back from Maldives.

SO I OUGHT TO GET SOME SLEEP.

My head is messed up. So many things going on; exam dates, school, drum lessons, social work, etc. I CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING BUT FACTS AND FIGURES. I need some flo rida.

OH and it also doesn't help when the household has been falling apart ever since my helper left. It's like post war. It's like how taking away a secretary from an office would disrupt the whole system and would therefore be defunct. My mother is staying home for a while and it's really sad to see that she's having a hard time because she's not used to it. But it's funny sometimes because she'll sit and watch TV for about 10 minutes before she gets up again and finds something to do like scrubbing kitchen floors, cleaning my room (and I got upset because my once systematically-arranged room that displayed a rather cluttered appearance became imperfectly perfect, but it's okay now), or get ready just in case we might want to go out with her (so cute right? and we do, of course). But I have to say, she's doing a far superior job than my helper. Well I guess it's her own house and family so she values the things more and takes really good care of us.

Anyway, we've been stumbling for a bit but we'll be fine, I know it.

It's a happy happy day and gonna be a happy happy next few days.

Sister's keeper 24th.

2009-01-31T07:01:00.003+08:00

22, 23 & 24 January 2009

Double Bay lounge.
Eucalyptus Spa.
Carousel.
Old Brown Shoe.
Zouk.

AND..

the first time in my life I was so smashed I had to be carried all the way home.
What a celebration.

Kakak's 24th

I will be.

2009-01-29T07:39:00.003+08:00

2 more weeks to a brand new life. The best thing about this year is that I know exactly what I want, and somewhat who I am. Life's been bittersweet.. know not to smile for the great times I've been blessed with, or cry for the tough times I or the people around me had to go through.. but nevertheless, very thankful to be where I'm at. Enough of searching. It's time to catch those dreams. I want this. I want this so bad. The future can be taken away from me in an instant but if there's only one thing, I can hope for the best right now. And for you too, Vans. I love you.

There's nothing I could say to you
nothing I could ever do
to make you see
what you mean to me
All the pain, the tears I cried
still you never said goodbye.

A very late 'My 2008'.

2009-01-24T09:52:00.001+08:00

This is messed up.

Authorize my audio!

Why can't you see that you belong with me?

2009-01-23T06:55:00.005+08:00

now i just don't know you're a joke really butt of all jokes and thus i'm convinced to not be moved by you seriously i don't know why i waste my strength on people who don't even bother to waste theirs on me others won't always be there for you but i have always been always will i'm the one you can put your whole weight on but where are you what are you looking for out there i'm right here what is not enough i'm tired of ignorance. but i still love like hell. and it's my goddamn weakness i won't succumb to my weakness because i am all i have and you are too. i'll have you will you have me.

Dear.

2009-01-22T07:40:00.003+08:00

Don't make your decision just yet. Let me explain. I know I deserve at least this.

Rock hard steady.

2009-01-14T02:04:00.011+08:00

Finding grace in my life.
To better deal with inconsistencies.
And maintain sturdiness.

Part of the article The Slight Collector by Lisa Kogan;

"Forget about kids; grown-ups say the darnedest things. Sometimes they mean well, sometimes they mean to lacerate, sometimes they're just clueless. The challenge (at least for me) is not to take any of it personally…even when it's meant personally. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me, unless of course I decide to let them.

But it's a brand new year, and I've resolved to make a few changes. I don't want to lock and load when a nasty comment comes my way, but I also refuse to duck and cover. Instead, I am going to answer clumsiness with equanimity, bitchiness with compassion, and verbal violence with disengagement.

I think it's a damn good plan—wise, tolerant, even kind of Zen. If I play my cards right, I could be crowned Miss Mental Health 2009! There's just one teeny, tiny problem: I honestly believe Metallica's next-door neighbor stands a better chance of getting a good night's sleep without ear plugs and an Ambien than I stand of actually getting this plan to work. But that certainly doesn't mean it's not worth a try.

So I will seek, to paraphrase Saint Francis of Assisi, not to be understood but to understand. I will send my collection of slights to Sotheby's and have them auction it off to the highest bidder, one dig at a time, and if none of my attempts at happiness and harmony pays off, well then, I'm heading for halvah at Russ & Daughters."

And finally..

the reason you may not be able to reach me. Currently using sister's spare phone which makes hell of a lot of noise when it's being charged, hence, I'm forced to switch it off each time I charge it.

Cheers Lepak Gang

Singapore 1st Tattoo Show

100109

My sacrifice.

2009-01-09T05:43:00.011+08:00

Some years ago I landed on a crossroad
And I watched as people hastily made their way onto one of the roads
and each and every one of them diminished in the horizon
I jolted out of my still silence as a notorious-looking little boy took my hand
and pulled me onto one of the roads
Little did I know that it would be the greatest road that I'd ever pass;

He had brought me to a seemingly magical world
A world where love and peace coincided
There was no one else in sight
A realm of endless possibilities that involved just us two
Grass greener than any I've seen
Skies bluer than blue
And the ocean..
oh, the ocean
I heard my heart beat rhythmically with the crashing of the waves
Inhale, food for my soul
Exhale, lease of life - and this was the feeling of a constant relief
it was the feeling of all the security, of all the strength that you'd always hoped to have..
even till now
But I submerged myself completely in the water along with him
in hope that all this beauty would remain
We were locked in timelessness
captured in freedom
a presented opportunity to admire
bared skin
bodies at ease
We were in a world unconceivable..

But I'm not a damn fish.

I surfaced.

Everything was gone
The beauty did not stay
the beauty, in fact, died;

The freshwater ocean no longer existed
I was surrounded by murky salt water
The scorching sun dried up all my greens and turned them into an ugly shade of brown
The once sun-kissed skin I had became patched and burnt
And just as I figured it out
the sea had already pulled us farther apart from each other..

But indeed, loving is letting go;

Though I had already kept us in a specific place of time
though I am now in another beautiful world
though I have no regrets
though I am happy

this is my sacrifice,

for someone I barely know
to have someone who means the world to me.

This is my sacrifice.

Show her how beautiful she is as who she is. You more than deserve a REAL chance at love. I will take my bow, as I've already did before, but now, my true final bow.

First of 2009.

2009-01-05T03:45:00.008+08:00

Happy New Year all. Seven Pounds; watch it. Using my forgotten Photobucket because Blogger's picture uploader sucks. Spent 2 whole days in the sun and now I'm burnt and now I sit still and now I move and now I seal my lips.

New Year 2009

East Coast Park 030109

Botanic Gardens 040109

Say goodbye, these days are gone, and we can't keep holding on..

2008-12-30T04:15:00.001+08:00

WHEN ALL WE NEED IS SOME RELIEF.

So yesterday was a very accomplished day with my sister, had a lot of things done.. a lot of things that should've already been done. Running errands never felt so fun. We even had time for some sports at night. We played basketball, tennis, and did some swimming/aqua jogging. It was crazy because we did them all within 2 hours! But basketball and tennis was the worst for me dude.. haven't played those games in like 10 freakin years. Nevertheless, it was a beautiful day!

Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm keen on celebrating New Year, or have been for that matter, but I think it's been a good year and I think this year deserves a happy ending for me. I would love to scream and shout at the strike of midnight when the fireworks start going off and people go crazy, but honestly, I'd rather keep my sanity intact, and ensure that I'm leaving this year with no regrets and am fully prepared for the year ahead. But for now, I'll stop with my spiritual bullshit and see what countdown parties there are to bring in our new playground hm?

- Marina Bay Countdown
(www.marinabaycountdown.sg) $18/$25/$38
- Party On! Singapore
(www.downtowneast.com.sg) Retarded, don't bother!
- Siloso Beach Party
(www.sentosa.com.sg/silosobeachparty) $30 ask me/$35/$65
- Family Carnival @ Marina Barrage
(http://www.pub.gov.sg/mpublications/Pages/NewsEvents.aspx?ItemId=8) FREE!

I'd go for the Marina Barrage actually but my father already booked tickets for Marina Bay's countdown. Well, it's alright, maybe we've had enough of jetties over the years. Throughout the years we lived in Lagoon View, our New Years were spent at home. What we'd do is switch off all the lights and watch the ships fire red torches into the night sky at midnight, and then camp out in the living room. Haha.. maybe one day I'll miss having that kind of peaceful celebration. I kinda already do actually.

I wanna go to Thailand and play with Tiger cubs! So adorable!

And today is WORLD KISSING DAY! Yaaaziiid!!!

I wanna rock 'n roll all night!

2008-12-26T19:15:00.001+08:00

I need a life man, seriously. I don't want to have to succumb to mindlessness. Actually, as of effect of yesterday, I'm officially going to sleep my life away until 12 February like a lifeless, useless cunt. Or so you might think but I DON'T CARE, and this is the one thing I will never be bothered about. I don't care if you think I need to plan or clean up my life's mess.. it's time to rock and fucking roll outta 2008. Time to strip all these sins of 2008 with a good Brazillian. Time to roll up the blinds, open up the windows, throw every regret and unwanted memory outta that window, look 2009 in the eye and say, "Laiiiiii!".

So what better way than to start off the long-awaited brand new year with an eye-opening, refreshing, intelligent, potentially-award-winning, deeply-moving movie, Australia. You have HAVE to catch that in the cinema. How they made it possible for me to laugh and cry at the same time throughout the whole 3 hours I'll never know. I really love Nicole Kidman for how sophisticated of a woman I think she is and Hugh Jackman was such an eye-candy, I'm telling you, you girls can't help but to drool at the sight of him in that tight-fitting translucent wet cotton t-shirt that accentuates his muscles or when he's in his white tuxedo, clean shaven that was given an ultra dramatic close-up shot for added effects (you wouldn't want to miss X-men after that). Nullah.. well, Nullah was a breath of fresh air. :)

Anyway, the trip to Maldives in February is confirmed. But since our parents are taking the free tickets with SQ, they plan to buy 3 more SQ tickets for us so we could travel on the same flight as them. Hell, I could be on a budget airline for all I care. Imagine what we can do with the hundreds to thousands of dollars that they'll save. We could get an XBox + PS3 + Wii OR XBox + Rock Band + Guitar Hero World Tour OR 3 x XBox (which is stupid but you get my drift I'm sure). I understand that they have separation issues but what can I do to convince them to make the more rational choice? But in any case, I just found out from my sister that we'll be getting our own rooms (YET AGAIN!) so... *devil horns* It'll be an enriching holiday!

I also bought the special edition of Classic Rock and it comes with this free CD, The Best of 2008, a compilation of the best rock songs this year. It's fuuucking awesome and it's one more CD to be able to listen to on my discman.

And this is the No Fear frog from hell. He wouldn't move even after Yazid and I threw countless rocks and a bottle at it. But I won't forget how both of us jumped when it suddenly leapt.. that part was kinda funny. And even though there aren't any pictures of us, that turned out to be a beautiful night together. :)

AND HOW WAS YOUR CHRISTMAS? Part of mine went like this. Excuse the first 4 'feeling' pictures that were actually sorta forced.

Lets work this out.

2008-12-23T04:39:00.003+08:00

real eyes realize real lies

lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies
lies.

lise seil iles esil slie slei elis leis ilse isle eils iels esli elsi sile

P (LIES) = 13/15 = YOU

P (TRUTH) = 2/15 = What's with this no.? Must be my lucky number. Leis isle; a Polynesian garland of flowers on the isle? a wedding in Hawaii? Hm.

I'm going to adopt a child now.

lie on me. lie to you. lie and die. lie till you die. lie when you die. lie from hell. lie in hell. lies never die. LIES NEVER DIE.

The world is polly pocket and we're living in monopoly. Lets just colour the box of our game. Colouring is fun.

Cuppy cakes!

2008-12-22T05:09:00.012+08:00

I baked cupcakes earlier with my sister. Delicious fudgy double chocolate! I'm giving the fancy gold ones to my officer and the pink ones to anyone who wants them.

Boy, do all you weight-conscious people not want to know what's in this!

Or even in this icing.

One of those sad truths.

2008-12-20T02:48:00.004+08:00

How do you say goodbye?
How do you let go of a love so pure but just perhaps wasn't meant to be?
How could we just watch us die?

What is enough?

Fast times.

2008-12-18T05:15:00.000+08:00

So many things. Spinning. But I know I won't spin off balance. Trying to keep up with these fast times that I can't let pass me by because I'll never know what I'll be letting go. And I would hate to regret that I didn't put in the full effort. But I'm happy doing what I'm doing. I'm happy being me. And I'm happy finding more happiness, looking for what makes me complete. You only live once. Live free. Feel the liberation. Whatever you want, whatever is good for you.

Metta

Mama's Birthday

Don't have any pictures of Papa's birthday because that was the day we all fell sick. :(

Sentosa

Prince's Recording

Sungei Road with Aisyah

It was her first time having Starbucks. Yay! :)

The Epidemic

These were the flowers that Ghalid gave me when I fell sick. Haha too cheesy but that's what made me smile, so whatever he intended, he did it!

Fade into background.

2008-12-15T02:00:00.000+08:00

I'm well! Finally. I still get cramps and purge, especially after eating, probably because of my change of diet (soup/none -> maggi goreng/sambal ikan pari, apparently I'm not well enough for simpang food YET), but nonetheless it feels GREAT to be up and about!

Anyway, I figured it was kind of stupid of me to think that anyone out of all the people that my blog reaches out to would go for Braema's Human Rights Speech the other day. Firstly, it was a Saturday and of course tis' the time to be jolly. Second and "most importantly", it was the day of Zoukout (how could I forget?!@#$%). Like who the hell would go? Half naked people waiting to get fucked or making a step to betterment, it's kinda obvious which will get a better turnout. 50% were probably at sausage fest. And I'm not saying that I'll never go to Zoukout because I think it's always too early for people to say that. It's such a huge event and has gained its credibility throughout these years of great effort (and I mean tremendous effort to be able to execute something like that). But in any case, the only reason that you'll ever find me there is out of curiosity, and I'll disguise myself as "Press" or like in a halloween costume. Considering the fact that I've stopped smoking for a couple of weeks now and been sober for many months, I would probably, and hopefully, have quit smoking and drinking completely by the next Zoukout which means that there's not much of a point to go anyway. Ha. WELL, bottom line, just trying to do my part towards change. "you say you want a revolution.. well, you know, we all want to change the world.."

Well, I'm getting very lazy with pictures, but you can find most of them on Facebook, like Prince's Recording, so go ahead to that button on the right. And so much has been happening, so maybe, just MAYBE, later I'll share with you a few.

The more I know people, the more I love music.
The more words are spoken, the more I wish to become mute.

I wish everyday is a silent party.

What's your conscience telling you to do?

2008-12-12T02:21:00.002+08:00

MAKING A COMMITMENT
Date: Sat, Dec 13 2008
Venue: Speaker's Corner, Hong Lim Park
Time: 4.30pm – 6.30pm
Speakers: Braema Mathi (Chairperson, Maruah,
Singapore Working Group on ASEAN HRM) &
Partners (TWC2, HOME & others)

2008 marks the 60th anniversary of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which promotes the values of justice, fairness, equality and non-discrimination.

This December 13, we ask you to join us at Speaker's Corner to make a commitment to treat all workers with dignity.

HOW? Make a (video) pledge and stand by it. Pick a placard with a slogan you believe in or write your own.

It's easy - watch the teaser:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAX8HafNbsw

WE NEED YOU to create a collective of voices that say, strong and clear:
I will treat all workers in Singapore with dignity and respect.

Be a part of this effort.

[And watch the results on youtube on 1 Jan 2009]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just got back from A&E, spent about 8 hours there, 2 of which I spent being on the drip (that almost exploded my vein). Some of them also had to be on drips. The doctor called it a 'drip party', probably the next most exciting thing that has happened over the past four days, the other being soup splashing on my face while eating and I laughed to myself. My grandmother and aunt were warded out of all of us. I pity my two grandmas. :( Well my stomach is still aching. I just thought I'd just share with you guys the above in advance so you may consider going to support.

Now lets just see if Rahimah Rahim's sister, RAHMAH, has a conscience, after having caused all this.

Fucked stomach.

2008-12-10T03:30:00.003+08:00

It's been a crazy, crazy week. I'm down with stomach flu. And so is my entire family.. AND MY EXTENDED FAMILY. We have charcoal for pills which are meant to stop the purging. But I'm purging more and my faeces smell of rotten fish. It's so weird because I'd vomited out everything I'd tried to eat. Baffling. And they say it lasts for a week. Shit.

Avoid Cinema 7 of Vivocity for a while.

Two.

2008-12-03T18:25:00.004+08:00

2 more days till all this is over. Somehow, I don't quite want it to. I have to keep working. I see it - what I want, what makes me complete. A pivotal moment which is the best part because I choose. Where that choice takes me doesn't matter. It's an adventure. The secret to adventure is trust. 2nd last meeting with the officer. It finally doesn't feel wrong to let anticipation settle in. 2-1=1. I'm whole. I'm a complete bar. I'm a resonating blissful Cadd9. This is how it's always been and how it's suppose to be. Let go. You can't dot a whole. It's impossible. Just dot your i's.

I'll make this right. Try.

WORLD AIDS DAY '08

2008-12-01T07:05:00.003+08:00

Click 'em.

AIDS

HIV

Knowledge is power.

You, my darling.

2008-11-30T04:19:00.004+08:00

perfect. beyond compare. pure. unequaled. untarnished. utopian.

Is it true that real love between two people isn't enough for them to face a lifetime together?

Aside from the stable financial source and other literal crap. This logic in me has to stop. Give me. A break.

So is it?

PICTURE POST ON HOW SINGTEL BROADBAND SUCKS.

2008-11-20T05:40:00.003+08:00

5.37AM - 5.40AM
=
3 minutes of my life PER ATTEMPT trying to reconnect.

But don't you just love my odd neighbours with them funky names for their Internet connections? ;)

18.

2008-11-18T01:15:00.000+08:00

Thank you so much everyone for making my turning 18 a special one! Thank you for all your wishes - you know who you are - they were really sweet! Thank you for remembering and making the effort to reach me. I'm really touched and I treasure this very much. It was also nice to hear from those whom I'm not close to and those whom I've not been in touch with for a long time. It brightened my day because I had missed you guys so much.

My family spoilt me with gifts and food! Thank you for the beautiful celebration. I honestly couldn't ask for more. I'm a happy and lucky girl! :D

Took me 2 days to unbox my Pink iPod Nano 4th Gen. Discovered Helipad is such a great chill out place. Helped a hippie raise some funds for Burmese children at the Zouk flea market. Got a new wardrobe. Had my Black Sabbath shoes replaced. Well, nothing beats having a simple celebration with close loved ones.

Heroes & Thieves

2008-11-11T15:08:00.003+08:00

Well, I recently came back from KL after my cousin's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding held at Dewan Besar Tun Rahah.. huge and fancy. My muscles are aching and my ankles are sore, but it was worth it because the entire thing was perfect! We did a little shopping while we were there - we went crazy at Bukit Bintang bargain market! We also went to check out the newly opened Pavilion shopping centre but everything there was really expensive. It's owned by a Singaporean, so everything in that mall is everything that you'll find here BUT.. more expensive. They jacked up the prices probably like 200%, it's crazy! I suppose it's meant for the rich and famous and to cast out 'low-income' people like me who are forced to buy LV rejects. Global hierarchy should not exist! Well we weren't at the tourist belt around KLCC for long so we didn't get much anyway. A lot of our stuff went missing when we got back though so it was kinda upsetting, especially since I lost my favourite red wedges.

I love Katy Perry.

Heroes and Thieves at my door
I can't seem to tell them apart anymore
Just when I've figured it out
Well darlin' it's you I'm without

Give me a year or two
And I'll mend my ways and see these mistakes
And when I see the truth
Darlin' trust me, when I can't see
I'll be coming back, I'll be coming back to you

Choices.

2008-11-01T03:30:00.005+08:00

CHOICES.

I don't blame you. It was my choice to stay. I deserved getting it thrown back in my face. The trouble is, I didn't choose to stay for this, I didn't choose to have my heart broken with your impulsiveness within a second I placed it in your hands. I wasn't trying to be selfish by making you choose. I knew it was important to you. But I gave up what was important to me - my life, too. I did my part and I made my choice. I wasn't forcing you to make the same choice as me. It was just a choice you had to make. You were so angry at me thinking I was making you choose that you failed to realize that no one can ever force you to do anything and that you just have to make your own choices. Maybe you didn't think that far because you couldn't help knowing that you won't be able to get the best of both worlds. No, it wasn't an ultimatum because if you take the time to think, I did my part by sacrificing what was important to me. Simply put, I had something to lose too. But you made your choice through what you FELT was right to you. Tell me if I'm wrong that you didn't spare a minute to THINK before you made your choice. No matter what, you've made your decision. I hope you made the right one. I hope it was worth it. It fucking hurts but here I am, presented with yet another choice.

I choose to live the life I want and deserve. I have no more strength to risk throwing that away for your impulsiveness.. again and again.

I hope you guys can understand where I'm coming from. I may not know much about life but I know that life is all about choices. It's a matter of making the right one. Don't ever let ego get in the way of that. The only way you're able to stand your ground is to make the right one. I know it sounds cliche but it also means everything that has to do with life. Never give ultimatums or give in to ultimatums because everyone has the right to their own choices. Hold your own.

I will forge/ crawl forward, but for sure, forward. It's time for me to be wiser, instead of cynical. Maybe to be wise is to be fearless, and to be cynical is to be fearful. You think?

"I'm a little bit wiser, I'm a little bit sadder
I'm a little bit less, you might have guessed
But if you could be staying
Tell me now, darlin', I think I'm fading
I swear I'll never trade your love for a lie"

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T07:08:00.002+08:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

"boundary between the alive and the deceased dissolved, and the dead become dangerous for the living by causing problems such as sickness or damaged crops"

Maybe the reason for these excruciating stomach cramps? Hee! Well, I'm gonna bake some yummy caramel apples later, but I've gotta go buy me some apples first! I actually planned to have a Halloween party with some friends but it would be such a downer for me if I had to leave before 10. So yeah maybe next year, and I'll bake more gross-looking yummy treats! Now since I'm NOT having a party, I think I'll just stick with the old school celebration, pamper myself with those highly anticipated sweet sweet apples, watch DVDs and sleep in, in hope my stomach pains will go away. Have a wonderful halloween guys! :)

Logical nonsense.

2008-10-28T02:35:00.001+08:00

Well, after countless half-written texts, I think I'm finally equipped with an acceptable height of knowledge and experiences to write a complete, deserved, purposeful one. I think I've been uninspired, in other words, a boring fuck, for far too long. Well it'll end soon, in exactly 3 months 15 days. And earlier on, I tore out 3 months' pages, July through September, of the calendar, which I had intentionally ignored, and it felt hella good! I'm not quite sure if this routine will end when I expect it to. For all I know, life would go on without much difference after. But I know one thing's for sure is that nothing can and will hold me back anymore. :)

Anyway, I started work again at a student care centre and it's kinda tiring, not something I LOVE doing, so I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with this job until school starts in February. But then again, I think we all have it pretty easy. I have several jobs to choose from and decide whether I like it or not, but helpers don't. And when I say helpers, I mean maids, but I refuse to call them that because I think it's derogatory. I'm sure you've seen the most recent ad that depicts the life of a helper and why she chose her job - to have stronger support for her family. I have had a helper ever since I was 7. It must be the hardest, most challenging job I've seen! It amazes me how they are able to take care of everything without having the freedom to satisfy their tangible or inner desires, how they find the strength to be apart from their loved ones for so long. It's like they're working 24/7, aside from the holidays and whatnot. And for my family, as much as we do treat our helper like family, I'm sure it's a constant battle for her to search for motivation to continue working. But yeah it's just a lingering thought because it's hard to help in the situation when I'm struggling with my own. Tried and tested. Helping out now and then would suffice for now I hope. :\

RIGHT NOW.. I'm watching 'S&M, San Fran Symphony Orchestra and Metallica Live', on DVD, which I borrowed from a friend. The arrangement is superb, it's something different. Michael Kamen is the man! The extreme close-up on James Hetfield's face occasionally is kinda freaky though. But the other DVD that I borrowed called 'Susuk' sounded freakier to be watching at this time of night so I settled for this. Hahaha.. oh and I'm finally collecting the Black Ice album from Inokii tomorrow! I can't wait to listen to all their songs and I'll let you know what I think about them when I do.

While we're on this topic, Poopie (sorry, couldn't help it) and I were talking about the increasing number of people listening to rock and wearing rock band T-shirts AGAIN. And I mean the old school rock. The first thing that comes to mind is, "Do they know what they're listening to and what they're wearing?". I have to admit, I was one of those culprits. I got damn mad when Poopie told me that a minah was wearing an ACDC rhinestoned T-shirt! It's like a confused 'Stellar' in the '80s in the movie 'Detroit Rock City'! But you know after some thought, she could be as much as a fan as I am. Who am I to pass judgment? It's not like there's a designated group of people who are allowed to be fans of their music. Why should we even bother, especially if you're someone who labels others as posers (I wish I was "cool" enough to do that! Hahaha..) Time will tell if one is truly devoted to the music. Whatever it is, you know I know we see a rock revival coming up! Rock really never dies, as what Poopie said (hahaha cheesy or what? good good!). And I don't think that should be a bad thing. In fact, it's a fucking awesome thing! :D

Overall, my time has been reasonably occupied and life is very safe. I just kinda lost my ability to feel. If it's one thing I miss right now, it's the feeling of being completely and passionately in love, not knowing what's the extend of unconditional love and everything else that love brings. I miss writing letters, making things, fighting for a reason.. now I'm just an angry hag, now I just want world peace. I've been so grounded for a long time that I just long to be off-feet for just a little bit. I wish there was a way to satisfy this INNER PEACE without it involving someone else. Only few people can do that. I'm not sure I can. Sometimes I can feel my icy heart melting, but a little thing can freeze it back up. It's like this thing called PHOBIA. Fuck this, I'll just have to wait don't I. I'll settle for world peace now.

I'm just gonna share with you a few pictures, probably the highlights of the past coupla weeks. You'll see the night that my friends and I got kicked out of the house, the day that I went out with Aisyah and we shopped like mad, one of my usual nights with Vans and Hafiz, that I cut my hair again and dyed it black, and finally the delicious, juicy salmon teriyaki that I made myself.. with help from mom and sis. Mmm.. :D And I almost forgot, my 10KM New Balance Real Run! My timing was 1 hour 22 minutes. It was alright I guess considering I had no proper training and was sick. I'm just glad that I made it through the whole thing, finished what I started and thankfully DID NOT drop dead. YAY! :)

I'm just stupid like this.

2008-10-07T22:26:00.002+08:00

There's really no point in trying to make sense out of all of this. None will. Let it be. Laugh as much as you breathe and love as much as you live.

All things gerek!

2008-10-02T07:53:00.000+08:00

Happy, happy raya to all. Hope you fellas had a wonderful day yesterday. It wasn't the best day for me though; I couldn't sleep the night before so I was falling asleep everywhere we went. Well, didn't matter much to me anyway because this year's raya just feels so negligible that all I'd rather do is sleep in and watch DVDs.

Hahahaha YES I CUT MY HAIR.

So anyway, I walked around City Hall the other day and found this piece of artwork that transforms images when you look through the red and blue transparent frames. Abstract, illusion, whatever.. I know nuts about art but I think it's freakin cool! How do they do that man? Amazing stuff!

I went to check out the punks vs Peranakans play at substation on 27 September and I thought it was really good. It had such a casual feel to it, the kind you rarely find in normal plays, and that kind of made it easier to relate to. Very, very informative. Of course, you'd have to have watched it with an open mind. And hell yeah, I've had some great laughs watching it (sidewalk nazis really got me), sometimes laughing AT Vans. Hahaha but seriously, Vanessa pulled off her character real well. Shai the drunkard too hahaha.. Kudos man, good for you! Congrats to the team for the awesome job! ENCORE. ENCORE. ENCORE.

Stayed for the gig that followed after. It was some good old overdue fun.

Fuck, I can't wait for ACDC's new album, Black Ice, to be out in stores on 20 October! Very, very highly anticipated after listening to the first track of the album, Rock 'N Roll Train. Really super awesome sounds! MUST. BUY. They have 3 different album covers, red, yellow, white, that looks generally the same. Goddamn sweet designs, but I'm too lazy to put the up here. Nonetheless still.. MUST. BUY.