Light & Darkness.

Today was such a bad day.

School. I'm just so sad that I have such an unsympathetic, arrogant person for a lecturer. I know it was my fault that I couldn't meet the deadline today. I know that no matter what, it was my responsibility to finish the paper. AND I can understand if he couldn't extend the deadline even for a few more hours. I just didn't appreciate the sarcasms, for example, "I've been around here for over 13 years. Getting an MC here is as easy as getting candy.". Well, I'm definitely not a doctor nor am I older, but I've been here for 19.

Ex-workplace, Timbre @ Substation. I went there today to collect my paycheck, grab my shit and return the name tag. It was bittersweet. I miss working there. It's so difficult to find a job that I love and actually look forward to going to every day. But even if he wouldn't personally tell me what the real reason for dismissing me is, it doesn't change the way I feel about the rest and the environment. It's still an awesome place to be and honestly, this is the first time that I've such heightened emotional attachment to a job. Something in me about it still feels unresolved. Maybe I'll talk to him, maybe I won't. Life is unfair. I know I tried my best. As I walked away, I tried to completely let go and I tried doing it with my chin up and dignity intact. That, and moving on, I guess, are all that matters.

Thyroid problems. That's what the doctor suspected I have when I went to the polyclinic yesterday. He wanted me to go for a blood test but I didn't have enough money, so I'm probably going for one soon. I don't know much about thyroid problems, so it'll be wonderful if you know anything about it and share it with me. I think it's time and better to find out why I'm falling sick all the time. It doesn't seem like such a big deal though. Not now at least. Definitely not as big as what comes after this.

My maternal granny, Wai, has been in the hospital for a while. Apparently she has liver cancer. She is about 83 years old so they can't do a lot of tests on her because her body wouldn't be able to withstand them. They decided not to tell her because telling her wouldn't change a thing but worry her. I guess it's best too. My aunt passed away from cancer a few years ago and that was a really terrible point of time. Members of my maternal grandpa's bloodline all passed away from cancer except for him. So maybe there's hope. But being in this position makes it hard to keep that. It makes me think a lot about life and death. But it's weird, I don't even know what I think about it anymore. I just know that I'm not ready to lose Wai - the woman who raised my siblings and I with my parents, whose hand we literally bit as she fed us, who got so angry and caned me when I joked about not wanting to go to school, who tied my hair the way I liked it, perfectly. Is it even possible to be ready to lose the one we love? There are just so many things to think about and everything around me is telling me to be appreciated a little more. I know I should shine some light on this.. just not now.

But here's a song that I hold close to my heart.. a song that has a different meaning every time I listen to it. Like now. And maybe it might for you as well.

Hands by Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all okay
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these

I won't be made useless
And be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes

We are God's hands

We are God's hands